Its the Kind of Tired Sleep Can’t Fix.

Well, Its November. I’m kind of in shock because yesterday it was July. Well that’s what it felt like. Anyways, November brings not only Native American Heritage month, but Pulmonary Hypertension Awareness month as well. I guess I will be speaking my mind quite a bit on these topics. 😉

Judgmental; having or displaying an excessively critical point of view.

Each time I’ve been a tad heated this week, I’ve realized it all falls back to this main source. Judgement; my biggest pet peeve. I hate being judged for obvious reasons. Its crude, insensible, it leads to bigger problems, and it really does show the most truest quality in that person. Most of the time people get to the point of blowing it off, but I’m Haley, and I want to make a fuss.

Eleven years ago, I stumbled around a middle school gym in the worst pain of my very short life. The girls, being middle school girls, glared at me along with the gym teacher who loved her “basketball” girls. She would glare across at me as if I was refusing to keep up out of laziness, but I was literally gasping. I felt it; those uncomfortable vibes itching down my back, and into my nerves. She, along with everyone else in that hour of school were judging me. I felt fat, out-of-place, stupid, and that was the first year I’ve ever encountered suicidal thoughts. I told myself right there that I, and my body were not enough. I was eleven years old.

In high school I would stumble up stairs, and again clutch my chest to endure the worst pain my body could evoke. Girls I was attempting to keep up with would stand there, roll their eyes and say, “hurry up.” They would mock that they had to wait on Haley, “Haley’s dying” and again I was not enough. I could not comprehend why the stairs tired me, and that they freely ran up them. People didn’t understand why my hair was long, why I didn’t wear makeup, why I didn’t listen to music of this era, and really they just didn’t know me at all. They didn’t bother to understand me, they just wanted to make remarks. You see, we all think this ends in high school, but it doesn’t. I was a seventeen year old, more dead than I had ever been alive. My mind, along with my body wanted to be dead.

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At eighteen when they told me I was on death’s doorstep, I literally felt nothing. For seven years people told me, “She’s fat, lazy, its exercise-induced asthma, she’s weird, it’s just asthma, you have a chest infection…” blah blah blah. It was judgement; the literal definition. People’s doubts, critical thinking, lack of compassion, and stupidity had me almost dead at eighteen. My heart was killing itself.

I, by a miracle have made it to four years. Through surgeries, painful rehabilitation, excruciating treatments, body changes I thought I would never have to endure along with medical bills. When I make it to eight years I’ll be considered a long-term survivor. I still get glares; I try to power through dancing, something I actually love and people think I’m exaggerating when I mention that I could die. No, I actually can. My oxygen drops extremely low, and I’m in tachycardia at least once a day. I’m required to wear tubes up my nose which I try not to do because I feel as though I look stupid. I see your glares, I feel your vibes as I voice my opinons, and try to find my way through incredibly difficult emotions and self hate. I know I’m being judged as some dramatic college student, but if you laid on the surgery table awake, saw your own beating heart glowing on a screen, and endured the pain of this vital organ shutting the rest of your body down, you would think twice.

I hate judgement. Its caused death, discomfort, suicidal thoughts, actions, and it’s just not love. It’s the opposite of the religion you probably preach, and its unpleasant. I don’t care about mistakes people have made or continue to make. But is it too much to ask that we progress into the future with only love for people? Trying to understand, and comprehend them? Is that too much to ask for these days? I guess so. Thats all I have to say about that, because I’m tired; so tired of this subject.

Support Awareness, support learning about people, and support loving them as well. Thats all.

-haley.

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Exit Here.

I’ve had some people contacting me over a subject that seems to scare them in this scary time of year; I am no longer PH centered. I know, its shocking to you, but it’s not to me. I think no longer just focusing on PH has given me a breath of fresh air into other subjects that have consumed my heart.

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You see, I’ve been passionately writing since I was in the fourth grade. I remember the exact day that the lesson “clicked” and this writing thing became easy. I was scoring Fours (four being the highest in Texas) while everyone was struggling to make it halfway down their little notebook pages. My thoughts have flowed onto a paper naturally, and I’ve enjoyed it. I stopped writing around sixteen. I have no idea why, but really I had nothing interesting in my life, in fact I was sleeping most of the day. After I was diagnosed, Pulmonary Hypertension gave me an angry and emotional trigger, and just like a bullet, I fired. All of my thoughts from years of silence flowed out onto this blog. I can’t believe I gained an audience, and I am forever grateful for my PH family, the conference, the wonderful thank you letters, and my award sitting at the front of my room.

My PH writing itch has mostly been scratched. There will always be more to cover as new challenges approach, but I have other things on my mind. I am an activist at heart. I don’t want to be the ugly, screaming activist, but I do believe in justice and broadcasting the truth that people mostly miss. That simple statement has a lot of you upset. Some have contacted me asking why I’m not writing, some of y’all refuse to support and voice your opinions on such, and while I respect that I can’t understand that. I cannot live and breathe PH daily because PH is a disease that does not believe in giving “breaths.” I have nothing against my disease, or my PH lovelies, I just don’t feel a desire anymore. I am currently at peace with my disease, but not other subjects that come to mind. I want this page to be something you can come to reflect on for new articles, or search old PH issues that I might have covered in the past. But lets just get one thing across about Haley Ann; I am not a people pleaser. People pleasing is one of the weakest things others can succumb themselves to. You simply cannot please everyone, so what is the point of trying? Please yourself, and do what is right.

So I hope that with all this being said, you can support the blog after the PH years that hopefully it supported you in. There are stages in a disease process, and all are different just like the patients themselves. I am merely exiting one phase, and transforming into another. Thank you (hopefully) for your understanding.

-haley.

Song of the week is “You Sent me Flying/Cherry” by the lovely Amy Winehouse.

Happy October!

Well hello loves, and Happy October if I haven’t already told you so! This is probably one of my favorite months not only because it’s an exciting change in the year, but sooooo many fantastic things happen in October. Not only can I pick up a whole bag of snickers (and use trick or treat as an excuse –psh, that’s my candy), Halloween is everywhere, Indigenous Peoples Day is celebrated (previously known as Columbus Day), but most people have no idea that it is also Black Cat Awareness Month.

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I live my life as an advocate for things that need my love, support and attention. One of my best friends the other night told me that I am always in search for something deeper; a deeper meaning. Thats my life. Searching deeper, digging deeper, and getting more invested. Sometimes I get so invested that I have to stop because it becomes my life, and I truly don’t mind but my lungs do. Most people would laugh at the fact that I am supporting Black Cat Awareness Month, and writing about it, but why not? Even though this is two thousand and fourteen, I feel we are regressing in our actions. We force our beliefs onto others, women still aren’t paid the same wages, we criticize those who feel the need to abort a pregnancy they don’t want because of our beliefs being pushed onto them, and people still look at black cats as if this is Salem, Massachusetts, 1692. Really people?

I grew up with two black cats, Einstein Albert and Fantasia Monaloha, and after my diagnosis found my Rocco Ricardo. I still have all three, and never looked at just their fur. In fact, I thought they were so beautiful because every color of collar looked fantastic on them! But seriously though, since I was a small child I never understood the persecution of the black cat; they were just so beautiful in my eyes. Maybe you’ve joked about it before, but do you realize that black cats are the targets of hate crimes? Some shelters wont even allow them to be adopted in October for this reason. They are the most unlikely to be adopted because of these “bad luck” bullshit beliefs.

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Martin Luther King was once quoted saying, “Never be afraid to do whats right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is a stake. Society’s punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.”

Stop living in the past. We are continuously moving into the future, and we should constantly be re-evaluating our outlook on life, on certain situations. A black cat is just another part of the creator’s beautiful gift to people. Love these animals, love other people, love you.

BLACK CAT AWARENESS MONTH.

Spread the word.

-haley.

Song of the week is, “Kick, Push” by Lupe Fiasco. Its what I need to get through this week! Enjoy!

Hollywood is Still Hollywood, and I Am Still Sick.

Being a sick young adult in this world is not straightforward path. It’s a winding road full of surgeries, painful treatment, people who might not believe you, and even companies demanding money for saving your life and threatening to not save it anymore. With that being said, anyone who isn’t sick will not understand the sick. How could they?

The first thing I say when someone is experiencing a situation that I have never personally dealt with is, “I really don’t understand what you are going through, but I am here.” Why? Because it’s the truth. I think it’s a high form of ignorance to try to relate understanding when we really do not understand. How can we be understanding when we’ve never stepped into that world, we’ve only had a slight view of it? It’s completely different to see something, then experience it. You can watch someone chug vodka yet remain sober, but its different when you are the one chugging it too.

Lately I’ve spent some time reading very well written articles about how this is the year that social media is portraying “sick kids” and how it’s in style. Often I catch myself thinking, “no this isn’t a movie prop” when I walk around in public with my cannula up my nose. I definitely feel the anger as movies like The Fault in Our Stars rise to fame, and people become obsessed yet fail to realize that these sick kids are real, not just lovely on-screen actors. I’ve felt that ridiculous anger, believe me. These articles go so far as to say, and quote:

“But teenagers with illnesses do exist. I am one of them, and it hurts to see movies and television glamorize our suffering.”  –Lillie Lainoff at Yale University

But amongst this rage, I had a lovely realization that is much easier to deal with than that annoying anger which I have every right to feel.

When I noticed the white and black clouds of a bright blue book at Hastings, it succeeded in triggering me to read the back. I didn’t have seventeen dollars at the time (I know, ridiculous) but I ran back into the store on payday, and immediately made it mine. The minute I read about Hazel’s cannula I laughed and screamed. I was hooked, which is an understatement, just like all of America. I wasn’t enthralled because Augustus is “so cute”, or Amsterdam is romantic, but I was enthralled to read that someone could describe my feelings on paper. It was refreshing to read of an illness which you think I would be sick of; pun intended.

I can’t say for other TV shows, or movies, but I’d like to think that The Fault in Our Stars was anything but glamorous. So many people, including myself, described it as emotional death. Yes, it needed a little glamor because it was in fact a movie, and it was nice to experience butterflies for just a bit before impending death. I think what I love about John Green is not only his intelligence, but how realistic he is. His writing is real, and TFiOS is raw. John Green was a chaplain in a children’s hospital which inspired TFiOS. As John Green has stated a long these lines in an interview, “What struck me about these kids was the fact that they weren’t always smiling, they had no amazing wisdom just because they have cancer like everyone thinks, but they were just kids who happened to be sick.” Exactly. As I saw Augustus’s missing leg, Hazel’s hospital visit, her rapid breathing, a shitty author with a twisted view of sick children, and the raw yet horrifying scene of Augustus throwing up and screaming that he “hates himself” days before his untimely death was not glamorous. A lot of people actually hate TFiOS because it wasn’t perfect. But those scenes, as many tears as they provoked, and as much my heart hurt, I smiled. Those feelings were so real; those scenes were amazing. I hate myself when I have to sit down because my body is failing me, and everyone else gets to do what they want yet I am once again reminded of my own fault.

The fault in people saying “Hollywood has it wrong, and is glamorizing my illness” is that they are looking to people for understanding where understanding is not due. Stop getting mad because you are searching for understanding which is beyond unrealistic, just like this show titled, “Red Band Society.” That show may be unrealistic, which from my research it does in fact sound like a shitty portray of disease, but I think its lovely John Green wrote this real book, inspired by real kids, and it ended very real. Dont attack TFiOS. He wasn’t looking for people to understand, or glamor, he just created a lovely work of art. I personally experienced a version of that story, but I know that a lot of people who saw that did not, and they probably never will. They wanted Augustus to live, and hated Hazel’s walls that she built around herself, but I have a version of those walls, and I accepted Augustus’s death. It still sucked though.

So yes, I am aware of the anger of feeling like my oxygen is a movie prop, and the possessive thoughts of feeling like TFiOS is “all mine” and that these teen girls are clueless. But I catch myself in remembrance that I am expecting understanding where it is not due. Those kids will not understand my story, they weren’t meant to, and they can’t help it. They can only see my story, and respect it. So appreciate this art, The Fault in Our Stars, rather than bashing it. Because when they buried Augustus Waters, and Isaac couldn’t even see that because he just had his one eye he had left removed, I felt anything but glamorous. I smiled though, because I knew that I was a rare person who has cried those tears, and had those exact thoughts. I understood, I felt it was meant for me, and it was beautiful.

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-haley.

Instagram @haleyann92

Too Much Pressure.

Hello August! I feel like I’ve made it over a crazy couple months of non-stop on-the-go Haley, and now things are slowing down. More writing, more calm, and more happiness. 🙂

I finally had a two month PH checkup, in which everything is ok except for a high heart rate out of no where, and I’m being referred to a new specialist that is closer rather than going to Houston. Also, I met a new primary doctor to handle all other issues who blew me away with not only his looks (hehe), but him thanking me for choosing him, and taking almost an hour examining me from head to toe to establish me as a new patient. He was very precise, and already knew Pulmonary Hypertension inside-out, and was quite interested that I had it. A PH patient’s whole world is full of pressure. The word hypertension literally means high pressure, high pressure in the lungs, high pressure in the heart, and I also found out that the pressure in my eyes is even high. When my new primary said, “I think we need to check your kidney’s for high pressure” I through my hands in the air with the response, “if there is anything that could ever have a pressure in my body it is high.” He laughed, but I was not as amused.

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You see, with all this “pressure” existing within my body, it makes it extremely hard to deal with outside pressure from other unnecessary things and people. Someone said to me to other day, or more yelled, “I know you’re done” and that struck an angry chord. I walk around everyday breathing twice as much as you, with twice the pain, and other everyday issues (like almost passing out from just bending over) and I’m just tired. Why? Because I have a disease that just so happens to have a side effect of chronic fatigue. When everything in my body is built up to functioning on a high level with outside demands, my body sure does reflect “done.” Emotionally, and really, I’m trying not to be done, but my lungs really want to fold themselves in half. Sometimes people really do not comprehend the realities of this disease…but your lungs and heart are a big part of why you are able to read this. When they don’t work right, despite how fine you may look, you really aren’t. People think I’m lazy, people think I exaggerate, but one of my PH friends who is my age (and shares my name) just received a double lung and heart transplant. While being prepped in the hospital she looked damn fine, because it’s an invisible disease. Appearances are deceiving.

Overall, you as a patient, or even just a caregiver, or person will have a lot of pressure throughout life. When its unnecessary, get rid of it, and embrace what truly matters. I’d rather my heart be overjoyed than overworked.

Song of this week! Houdini by Foster the People. Its fun, and perfect right now. Enjoy this week which is the start of a new month!

-haley.

Four Years.

I was only fifteen years old while watching my freshman English teacher scribble inside of a John Lennon book that she decided to give to me while repeating, “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.” She said this often, and as fascinated as I was with the quote, I had no grasp of the concept. I mean, doesn’t every fifteen year old know exactly what they are doing with their life? I did. Mrs. Hepler had spent that year critiquing short stories I wrote in private, and we continually bonded over the Beatles, writing, and feminism. She saw something I guess, and felt the need to repeatedly say that quote to me. Its been seven years since I put that book on my shelf, and since I’ve sat in a desk in Mrs. Hepler’s class.

seventeen2Two weeks pre-diagnosis.

You see, my life was all planned out at one point. I was graduated, eighteen, had a fabulous relationship, and even though I was walking into a hospital at five in the morning well aware of what was about to happen…I still thought I was in full control. I remember the nurse having me sign “death papers” in case anything happened. That sting of reality hit hard because I had been eighteen maybe two weeks. I mean, werent my parents supposed to be signing these? I recall the same nurse taking literally eight tries to start my IV, and feeling the frustration of my family standing around telling me their goodbyes before I was wheeled off. But I had to remind myself that this was surgery, I would be asleep soon, and it was all no big deal. The masked female telling me that I had to be awake took another hack into my control theory, and soon I watched it crumble when they injected me, and slowed my breathing. I felt a giant tube squeeze its way through my throat, and watched a cord weave its way into my beating heart on a glowing screen. Doctors chatted around me in professional gibberish that I was too tired to comprehend, and soon I was being yelled at because I was losing consciousness, and bleeding out. Then with blinding lights flipped on, and nothing but silence filling this tiled blue room, I heard my doctor say, “Its your lungs.” My control was shattered.

At first I was told I was physically dying, and then I was just mad. Later, I felt like mentally I was dying, and wanted to actually physically die along with my broken heart, and my life was a collage of unidentifiable direction, misleading information, and trying to fight for control. I’ve been PHighting for a long time. I’ve taken pills, had more tubes shoved into arteries, scans of my organs, and oxygen crammed up my nose. Four years has gone by quick especially when you are told you only have two years left to live. At times I really thought I would rather take my own life, than to continue to fight this tiring disease.

The blue prints in which I thought I had planned my life out perfectly went through the shredder a long time ago. At one point, you just have to sit back and think, “what the hell happened?” But this weird, and unpredictable road has been painful, but as I’ve said before, there is an odd beauty in pain. I saw this John Lennon book collecting dust on my shelf the other day, opened it and read a little message from Mrs. Hepler. I smiled, and soon everything fell exactly into place. I’m still me…but my life really did happen despite my other plans.

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Four years strong.

This is dedicated to Tricia Hepler, who without, I probably would have a ridiculous amount of comma’s on this page. In fact, I bet I still do. What a fantastic person, writer, and general artist you are. Thank you.

-haley.

You Should Be Scared.

Oh, yes. Haley had to blog on it, because I think it heavily affects us PH’ers. If you’ve seen my posts on Facebook, I’m sure you are just all sorts of annoyed right now. Please, be annoyed, but seeing as how I’m someone who is alive because of medication that is used for erectile dysfunction, and I just so happen to have a uterus and ovaries (which apparently I have no say over) I feel strongly on this subject. My blog, my views. If you can’t handle, then don’t read it. You’ve been warned.

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Now you’re thinking, what in the world does Viagra medication have to do with birth control? Lets start from the beginning. All the way back religious freedom. For those of you who don’t know, Hobby Lobby just won its case in Supreme Court saying that because they are a “Christian” based company, that they will no longer cover for any of their female worker’s birth control. This is shocking to me, and disgusting on so many levels. Lets start with the basics and build from there. I grew up in an era where “Worth the Wait” came to your classrooms and preached to you on not getting pregnant, and if you chose to be sexually active then to be protected. They even told us little eighth graders and freshman where to get free birth control. I was raised in an era that wanted us all to have birth control to prevent making a stupid mistake that would not only affect us, but this child, our families, and so forth. Now, America has spiraled completely backwards as if to make women feel horrible about preventing an unwanted pregnancy. Really? You aren’t going to stop them from having sex. I don’t care what God you shove in their face. With that being said, now we want to take away their protection so we can force them to pop these unwanted pregnancies out? I hope you follow-up with those kids, and make sure they are taken care of. If you’re pro-life, then you better make sure that kid has a life. Otherwise you are just pro-birth. Don’t even get me started on why us PH patients can not have kids. Yes, we can get pregnant, but eighty-five percent of woman die before the baby is born because it accelerated the heart failure. You would deny a woman who might be able to take birth control (depending on her situation, I can’t) so that she might possibly get pregnant and die? You would shame the woman who can’t be on birth control, got pregnant maybe even with her husband, but had to have an abortion because she knew the pregnancy would be fatal? Shame on you, you judgmental Christian. Aww, forgive those serial killers though…

I think its disgusting that in 2014, as a woman, I am still fighting for full control over my body. I was born with my ovaries, my uterus, my hair, and my fingernails. I will do with them what I damn well please. Is this sex slavery? Are you just deciding for me what I shall do with my ovaries and vagina? No. They are mine. They are the woman that they belong to. If we want birth control, diaphragms, babies, no babies, or fifty sex partners then that is that woman’s decision. To deny them basic access to basic needs is a human rights violation. I think it’s a violation of freedom. With the Fourth of July coming up, it really makes me think of America and all these soldiers who have fought to maintain freedom in this country. But as I see all these stars, stripes, and fireworks being prepared, I’m not proud to live in America. Freedom is being taken from us one step at a time. Basic rights for the pursuit of happiness. Not everyone’s happiness involves pregnancy. In fact, most of you bitch when you’re friends get knocked up, and are not married. Are we really free anymore? Compared to other countries yes, but this is a scary path we’ve turned down.

Now, back to the Viagra. If Hobby Lobby can go into court and say because its “beliefs” that it will now basically force it upon its employee’s, and no longer cover birth control, what about other companies? I read in an article earlier, can a Jewish company now say that they wont provide any medication that is derived from a pig because they don’t believe in that? What about another christian based company that isn’t as sexist as Hobby Lobby, and wont cover things like Viagra? Guess whose treatment is Viagra? Yea, um, my life saving medication, as well as many many many other patients, even children. This is a very complicated, ugly, political tree that branches off in so many directions that should’ve been left alone. Someday, your treatment will not be covered by your employer, American. Why? Because they don’t agree with it. Ahhh, such great doctors, right?

Ahhh, now the religious part, my favorite. I am so tired of Christianity. Sounds horrible, doesn’t it? But really. I’ve grown used to the idea that Christianity is about forcing your beliefs onto another person. In this case, its proved so. “Well Haley, they are a christian based family, so these employee’s can work somewhere else.” Are they a church? No, they are a profitable business. What about the females that have worked there a steady amount of years? They now have to look for another job because God knows what their birth control costs out-of-pocket? The birth control that they’re taking for possibly cysts, or hormone therapy, or maybe because they just had a kid and don’t want another? Too bad now unemployed female in an already jobless economy!! Hobby Lobby thinks you should no longer cure those painful cysts, receive hormone therapy, and they think you should be the next 19 Kids and Counting star! Just wow.

Overall, it’s just a horrible thing to support. Especially if you are a female. How can you support a company that strips away your freedom as a woman? If men had to be on birth control, I bet they would have bacon flavored candy of birth control available to men at those check outs by those colorful sharpies. Ha, Religion. If we’re talking about the same God they claim to believe in, its funny how he gave us Humans a choice. He said,”You can choose to believe in me, and believe in everlasting life, or not.” He gave us freewill. GOD DID. Yet, these humans…do not.

-haley.

#BOYCOTTHOBBYLOBBY

Instagram @haleyann92

Facebook.com/phenomenalhaley

Thank Y’all.

Finally, I am home. I have nothing left but exhaustion, and happiness. This was such a perfect trip! I wanted to thank my readers, and the PH Association for making it possible. This was an absolute highlight of my life. Most of you followed on Facebook, and Instagram, and thank you for that! I am so glad you got to see the events unfold online. To those who I finally met in person, that was such an uplifting experience. As most of you know, I was nominated for the Young PHA’s Outstanding Citizen Award which still baffles me. I watched so many other PH’ers get on stage to accept their awards, only to hear about all the amazing things they’ve done. They are some PHenomenal people doing PHenomenal things! It was hardcore proof of the importance of connecting with other people who are affected by the same disease as you. Get involved! It will change things. Congrats to all of those who accepted an award, got to attend conference, had an amazing time, branched out, and learned. Everyone has done amazing job in the PH community.

As I’m coming up on my fourth year anniversary of being diagnosed, I’m reflecting heavily on my original feelings towards this disease. How absent I was, blank, unresponsive, and I possessed not an ounce of fight. When you are diagnosed with anything it’s really starting a challenge of overcoming yourself. That sounds easy; you know you better than anyone else. Except, most people leave out one huge detail about a diagnosis. You are no longer you anymore. From day one, you are wearing a completely new skin, adapting to what feels like a completely new body, treatments, a new circle of people (or survivors) and everything you thought you once knew about yourself is dust. Well, some of it. Now you will be tested on your mental, and emotional strength, how far will you go to physically overcome, and to one day make it to an infinitive finish line called “survivor.” Overcoming yourself is not easy; it’s the hardest thing you will go through. In the meantime remember, that mental dominates physical. If you can understand, comprehend, and get a handle on this mentally…your body will catch up. Mind over matter. I had to dominate my own self, swallow pride, not listen to certain thoughts, cut certain people out, let doctors in, and really figure out what it is I exactly needed. It really is possible to pull yourself out of that dark place. The only thing keeping you down is you. Look at yourself and heavily evaluate what is going on, and what needs to be changed. It took almost four years exactly to get somewhat on the right track. You will fall off every now and then, or take a wrong turn. I struggle mentally, emotionally, and physically. This is a lifetime disease, and until we can get that cure, it will be a lifetime battle. Find the will to live, and hold onto it. There is beauty in this struggle. Who knew I would get to wear glitzy shoes, and accept a ridiculously heavy glass award, meet fans, take pictures, stay in a four star hotel, have people ask me questions, and have my face and story all over the world because of PH? Quite frankly, I’m thankful.

Train your mind to see the good. Mind over matter. Thank you to everyone for showing me the good side of PH! Its been a trip. Pictures are below! Thank y’all again.

-haley.

Instagram! @haleyann92

Facebook.com/phenomenalhaley

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Patience is Prettier.

Happy June everyone! I can’t believe I’ve finally made it to this month. Exactly two weeks until I leave for Indy! This is a very busy time, and I wanted to thank everyone for their patience. Not only is attitude a very tricky, and contagious concept, but I think patience is as well. How can I put this…

I am not just some college kid lounging around, going out with friends, and blowing things off. My average day consisted of getting up in the morning, working at the school until around three, then from there going straight to my other job till around eleven o’clock at night, coming home, trying to catch up on blog things, but most of the time I fell asleep. I am a very busy person. Now that school is out, I’ll have little opportunities and small windows of time to get things completed. In basic words; I push myself enough. If you push me, I will push back.

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I’ve encountered some pushiness, and non patience. I understand frustration, but I will not be understanding in these situations. Right now I’m lucky enough to remember to make a blog post! So, patience. This is something that is quickly trickling out of our economy. We have smart phones that process things faster than computers, we have supermarkets with two-hundred cashier lanes open so you can get through faster, we have fast food drive throughs, and we want everything done now. We’re living a life where we don’t really have to be patient. So when the time comes to wait a whole 30 seconds for the internet to load, driving around a wreck, or waiting in line for a spray tan, we FLIP. Patience is a fabulous thing to exhibit. To hear the excuses of “I’m a paying customer” shows me that you value money over respecting another person. To hear “its their job” is another example of the non-respect you have for another person. When you are understanding, show compassion, and take time to evaluate the situation rather than just your feelings on your side of the story it begins to get easier for everyone involved. The other day I waited almost forty-five minutes on just my food. I got a little questionable of what was going on, but was not upset with my waitress, or cooks at all. I was once a waitress that lost an order too. This is life, full of thrown together mishaps, and somehow (maybe) we make it out alive.

Please look around and acknowledge the humans around you. Exactly that, they are human. Patience was built into your body. Start exercising, and practicing it more; I’m having to work on it too.

Thank you again for everyone’s patience.

Congrats to Karla, our Hazel Grace contest winner! TFiOS comes out FRIDAY! Our song of the week is Icarus by White Hinterland. Perfect, breathable summer song.

-haley.

Attitude Adjustments.

Attitude; Thats such a negative word to me. In fact, I just had discussions with some of my fifth grade girls, and how they are over loaded with it. I make them think that because they are growing up they need to learn how to drop this so-called attitude, but who am I kidding? It only gets worse with age sometimes.

This simple little moody word has a lot of power behind it. It’s a force of destruction, a glimmer of hope, and a knife in someone’s heart. When you step back, really look at yourself, and evaluate how you communicate with people you start to see that without actions, you’re left with your words only. Your ONLY communication. Your attitude; It can take a life of its own, and overpower you if it wants. What vibe are you giving off? How are you communicating? Whats overpowering you?

I’ve seen so much attitude lately that it completely blocks off any actual communication. People just don’t want to listen, they just want to be mad. They want to jam their words into people’s feeble ears, and make their points boldly. In return, you were never heard. I’ve seen humans with such bad attitudes that the oxygen in their nose is no longer beneficial because spiritually, and emotionally they just cant believe in themselves, or others. I’ve always said you had to drop barriers to let the good overcome you. Nothing will happen with a door shut. Drop it, open a door, and open your ears. Listening to others more than  you speak, being patient more than being forceful, looking for improvement rather than making points is so much more helpful.

Attitude; it can be a lifesaver. Literally. I had such a bad one about my disease. I really wanted to just exist within it rather than fight it. Developing, listening, improving really did change things. It changed my outlook, it changed my attitude. I became a teacher instead of a cop. I felt like instructing, and listening more than I did pointing out error. Some of us even had to make attitude adjustments about wearing our oxygen, me included. My attitude saved my life. Step back, and really evaluate yours this week. Is it worth changing? Because you are worth it.

Congrats to Karla, our contest winner! Thank you to everyone who submitted a “Hazel Grace” picture! They are all so beautiful. Our song of the week is So Many Details by Toro y Moi. Enjoy!

oxygencollagewinners

-haley.