As a Woman, I have Failed.

Something has been bugging me for a couple of weeks now. Not only do the attacks against women just add to everything, but now just something extra makes things worse. Recently when someone said, “I don’t know if I could commit to someone who might be dead before they are fifty” the words didn’t settle in till later. Now they are sinking deep into my thoughts, and I just can’t deal with it.

Growing up as a girl, we are taught to be a certain way from the beginning. We are taught to aspire for marriages, pretty dresses, and prince charming (Watch Disney for references.) We really do expect fairy tales because what girls watch grind that idea into our brains. We have dress up wedding dresses, baby dolls, and while all of this is very natural at the same time we need to make sure that with these little fairy tales we are teaching the right messages. Right now we are teaching young girls to put all their hopes in relationships, marriages, and men. That success is defined by the man that we “obtain”, the beautiful middle of the woods engagement photos we take,  the number of children we give birth to, the every month photography that is done of them, and the chevron decorated house we up keep. Success is not the achievement of attempting to be something like a Paramedic, speaking for what is right, doing something for you, or waiting to progress through things in life.

As a woman, daily, I have failed. As the gender I had no choice in, I have failed at the expectations set out for me that I do not choose either. I have to constantly defend my “singleness” at only twenty-four. In my early twenties that seems to be the ice breaker. “Are you seeing anyone? Are you dating? Is there anyone serious?” Why is this the major question to ask me? I have failed because I’m not married. I have failed because I find comfort in my cat more than I do men. I have failed because my weekends are filled with smoking, old movies, and writing instead of drinking and dates.

As a woman, I have failed. I have failed because I cannot have children. I physically cannot carry the children that I CAN in fact get pregnant with. As a woman, who needs the freedom to be able to choose abortion in the future to possibly save my life, I am told I am a murderer, liberal dumbass, slut, whore, baby killer and so on. Because knowing I can’t have my own children doesn’t hurt enough, your “pro-life” words help so much.

As I woman, I have failed. My lungs and heart are trying to kill me. My dad, mother, and I shell out a ridiculous amount of money for medication that barely keeps me going, and destroys other parts of my body. We spend thousands of dollars on gas money to get me to expensive doctor appointments every couple of months. I have failed because I am a sick person with a hefty price tag attached that no one wants to pick up. Meanwhile, people simply ignore it, and say “life isn’t fair.” Those hurtful and empty words just don’t cut it anymore.

I don’t mind being different from main stream people; I like that my apartment has no chevron in it, and I love falling asleep at night not worrying about my “relationship.” I’m fine with it, until I am reminded daily by outsiders how being different in two thousand fifeteen is still not accepted, and how in a way the “expectations” of women’s roles have not changed. I am disappointed in others views, and in turn I end up disappointed in myself. Why should I be taught to hate myself because I am not the every day woman?

People are going to call me lots of things, and it all matters on what I answer to. I get that. But how comfortable people are at making others feel so different is disturbing.

-haley.

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Take A Stand.

I’m so sick of the world right now. I’m so done with all the racist war shit that people keep throwing fire on rather than helping. Also, I’m sick of women being attacked. If you are a woman, and a PH patient, you should definitely be re-thinking how you vote, what you support, and you need to take action.

A lot of people are surprised to find out I’m Pro-choice. As if I’m some inspirational girl who supposedly is now an evil queen because I support “killing babies.” Yea, um, you’re ignorant. You see, I just don’t think it’s anyone else’s decision what I do with my life. What color my hair is, where I work, who I talk to, what car I buy, and most importantly when I will have children. “Well you decided to have kids the minute you conceive.” Not exactly, sister Christian. Lots of people like to participate in the act of sex before they ever think of having kids. Like getting married, celebrating that with your loved one, then years later finally deciding that you are “ready” to have a kid. What makes these women so different?

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You know, in a medical setting we can never force someone to do what they do not want to do. I didn’t want to be on blood thinners, and despite my then cardiologist trying to bully me into doing so, I chose not to then fired him. When I was first diagnosed, I had to release everything and give consent that they could even tell my parents what was going on because I was eighteen. Usually, you get such high respect in the medical field of what can and cannot be done to you, and if you don’t then legal trouble will follow. But why do we lose such respect when someone doesn’t agree with our life decision? After all, isn’t this medical?

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Something we are not really familiar with until we get into a bad situation is called Body Autonomy; ones right or control over their own body and it must not be infringed upon. For example, only you can decide to be an organ donor in which you and only you have to fill out paperwork saying to do so. A doctor can’t just walk up to you and say, “I like the way some of your organs are functioning. Since you are probably going to die today, we’ll be taking those after you are gone.” Would you be furious? Yes. Because it is your body. Even after a person has died they cannot just take the organs they need because a dead body still has body autonomy…a dead fucking body still has a right until proper consent is given.

You see, women should be able to decide what they want to do with their body despite what you think. Since when did you feel the need to control everyone’s decisions when you probably couldn’t decide what to wear this morning? What’s scary is the outlaw of abortion if all these psychotic religious nutbags get their way. Women who have Pulmonary Hypertension cannot carry a child due to the eighty-five percent mortality rate. Most just collapse and die from heart failure around seven months into it. On top of that, was the fetus ever getting enough oxygen the whole time? Probably not. So now we just lost a mother, and a child. Prevention? Women with Pulmonary Hypertension already have a risk of blood clotting, stroke, and heart attack. Birth control is a very unsafe, and deadly “option.”

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Why, why, why would you take away someone’s right? Why does a dead body have more control over their body than a woman? Who would ever think that this is okay? If you don’t agree with life decisions then keep on your side of the fence, and love others despite what psychotic outbursts you think you need to be having. I’m tired of “freedom” just being an advertisement for America rather than the truth; after all, what kind of freedom are we progressing into?

-haley.

Get Out of That Box!

I may not be able to pinpoint how I feel exactly lately, but I do know at least one emotion that has been consistently pumping through my veins all week; Anger. So much freaking anger just completely surrounds my world with situations, and with people…mainly how they decide to treat other people.

I follow this lovely vlogging couple on practically all social media (Anna-lee and Jesse) because they are adorable, smart, and creative. While scrolling through Jesse’s Instagram one of my other sleepless nights, I saw a picture of two dogs in which the caption was “retard club.” The dogs were being dogs, and Jesse was being funny. Jesse and Anna-lee both are constantly in the public’s eye, talking to people, giving advice, and successfully just showing who they are. Back to the picture. I noticed a ridiculous amount of people commenting that they were now unfollowing because of his word choice, how awful he was, he needed to be a better person, delete the picture…blah blah blah. Then you see Jesse’s reply to all of this. “It’s like you have to edit yourself until you are plain and boring to please everyone.” This stood out like a slap in the face because it’s what I’ve been wanting to scream all this week. I’m always on Pinterest (um, yea) and see all these lovely artsy quotes saying how much we need to be patient, not judge people, be ourselves, live life to the fullest, and live happily ever after. In a world so full of these thoughts that “be yourself, and screw everyone else!” we sure are criticizing every little bitty thing anyone ever does. We can’t show cleavage (you might get offended that your husband looked), we can’t take selfies (how awful that we love our makeup, or awesome beard that day!), we can’t support abortion (you have different religious views that you need to push onto us), we can’t use certain words, we can’t love the people we want to love, and we just can’t exist it seems like. I’m literally editing, touching up, walking on eggshells to make sure that I fit into society’s perfect little acceptable box. That box is an illusion.

letmelivecourtesy of Pinterest, of course.

After editing me, changing, feeling self-conscious, watching everything I say and do….I just give up. I give up, and choose to stop doing that because I am respecting me. It’s about respect, and it’s about kindness for all of you people in general. From what I hear for some of you Jesus followers (I know some pretty awesome ones) but I hear those are called Fruits of the Spirit in the Bible. Start working on them. There is a difference in an actual, horrible, and offensive person versus someone just trying to be a happy human. You don’t have to agree with what I do, what words I say, what I choose to put on my body, what selfies I take, or my spiritual views…but I would like you to respect me, and stop asking me to edit myself down for your personal viewing.

That is all.

T-Shirt orders are being shipped out all this week! 🙂 If you want to order your Just Breathe Tee, email me to see if your size is available. Also, follow Anna-lee and Jesse on Youtube! They are so fantastic.

annaleeandjesse

-haley.

You Should Be Scared.

Oh, yes. Haley had to blog on it, because I think it heavily affects us PH’ers. If you’ve seen my posts on Facebook, I’m sure you are just all sorts of annoyed right now. Please, be annoyed, but seeing as how I’m someone who is alive because of medication that is used for erectile dysfunction, and I just so happen to have a uterus and ovaries (which apparently I have no say over) I feel strongly on this subject. My blog, my views. If you can’t handle, then don’t read it. You’ve been warned.

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Now you’re thinking, what in the world does Viagra medication have to do with birth control? Lets start from the beginning. All the way back religious freedom. For those of you who don’t know, Hobby Lobby just won its case in Supreme Court saying that because they are a “Christian” based company, that they will no longer cover for any of their female worker’s birth control. This is shocking to me, and disgusting on so many levels. Lets start with the basics and build from there. I grew up in an era where “Worth the Wait” came to your classrooms and preached to you on not getting pregnant, and if you chose to be sexually active then to be protected. They even told us little eighth graders and freshman where to get free birth control. I was raised in an era that wanted us all to have birth control to prevent making a stupid mistake that would not only affect us, but this child, our families, and so forth. Now, America has spiraled completely backwards as if to make women feel horrible about preventing an unwanted pregnancy. Really? You aren’t going to stop them from having sex. I don’t care what God you shove in their face. With that being said, now we want to take away their protection so we can force them to pop these unwanted pregnancies out? I hope you follow-up with those kids, and make sure they are taken care of. If you’re pro-life, then you better make sure that kid has a life. Otherwise you are just pro-birth. Don’t even get me started on why us PH patients can not have kids. Yes, we can get pregnant, but eighty-five percent of woman die before the baby is born because it accelerated the heart failure. You would deny a woman who might be able to take birth control (depending on her situation, I can’t) so that she might possibly get pregnant and die? You would shame the woman who can’t be on birth control, got pregnant maybe even with her husband, but had to have an abortion because she knew the pregnancy would be fatal? Shame on you, you judgmental Christian. Aww, forgive those serial killers though…

I think its disgusting that in 2014, as a woman, I am still fighting for full control over my body. I was born with my ovaries, my uterus, my hair, and my fingernails. I will do with them what I damn well please. Is this sex slavery? Are you just deciding for me what I shall do with my ovaries and vagina? No. They are mine. They are the woman that they belong to. If we want birth control, diaphragms, babies, no babies, or fifty sex partners then that is that woman’s decision. To deny them basic access to basic needs is a human rights violation. I think it’s a violation of freedom. With the Fourth of July coming up, it really makes me think of America and all these soldiers who have fought to maintain freedom in this country. But as I see all these stars, stripes, and fireworks being prepared, I’m not proud to live in America. Freedom is being taken from us one step at a time. Basic rights for the pursuit of happiness. Not everyone’s happiness involves pregnancy. In fact, most of you bitch when you’re friends get knocked up, and are not married. Are we really free anymore? Compared to other countries yes, but this is a scary path we’ve turned down.

Now, back to the Viagra. If Hobby Lobby can go into court and say because its “beliefs” that it will now basically force it upon its employee’s, and no longer cover birth control, what about other companies? I read in an article earlier, can a Jewish company now say that they wont provide any medication that is derived from a pig because they don’t believe in that? What about another christian based company that isn’t as sexist as Hobby Lobby, and wont cover things like Viagra? Guess whose treatment is Viagra? Yea, um, my life saving medication, as well as many many many other patients, even children. This is a very complicated, ugly, political tree that branches off in so many directions that should’ve been left alone. Someday, your treatment will not be covered by your employer, American. Why? Because they don’t agree with it. Ahhh, such great doctors, right?

Ahhh, now the religious part, my favorite. I am so tired of Christianity. Sounds horrible, doesn’t it? But really. I’ve grown used to the idea that Christianity is about forcing your beliefs onto another person. In this case, its proved so. “Well Haley, they are a christian based family, so these employee’s can work somewhere else.” Are they a church? No, they are a profitable business. What about the females that have worked there a steady amount of years? They now have to look for another job because God knows what their birth control costs out-of-pocket? The birth control that they’re taking for possibly cysts, or hormone therapy, or maybe because they just had a kid and don’t want another? Too bad now unemployed female in an already jobless economy!! Hobby Lobby thinks you should no longer cure those painful cysts, receive hormone therapy, and they think you should be the next 19 Kids and Counting star! Just wow.

Overall, it’s just a horrible thing to support. Especially if you are a female. How can you support a company that strips away your freedom as a woman? If men had to be on birth control, I bet they would have bacon flavored candy of birth control available to men at those check outs by those colorful sharpies. Ha, Religion. If we’re talking about the same God they claim to believe in, its funny how he gave us Humans a choice. He said,”You can choose to believe in me, and believe in everlasting life, or not.” He gave us freewill. GOD DID. Yet, these humans…do not.

-haley.

#BOYCOTTHOBBYLOBBY

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Warning: Adult Content, and Personal Opinions.

Ok, this is about to be a full on opinionated, debatable, harsh, make people mad type of post. If you cannot handle it, or deal with it, then please stop now. I have avoided, avoided, and avoided this post because It should never be the focus of my blog. Negativity should never be the focus, but reality is. The blog has my name on it, and this is my view. The end.
The other day, I found a nasty pin on Pinterest that was the typical “pro life everyone is a murderer” type of pin. My anger got the best of me, and I commented how disgraceful it was. This persons profile of course had a bible verse on her description, as well as all this other “stuff” that immediately made her an identifiable Jesus follower. Except, I can’t call her that. I downright can not call this person a follower of Jesus in my eyes. She can, her family and friends can, but I’m going to tell you why I can’t.
“Well Haley, you don’t KNOW her.” You’re right, I don’t. But by the words she proceeded to type to me, I definitely know where she stands. She said “I hope you seek the mercy you deserve/need” or whatever. This is exactly what is wrong with our world. We are so stuck in our ways, our views, our opinions that we don’t have love, sympathy, or compassion for any other human. I am a pro choice person. There; there is the “ugly” truth. I believe it is in fact your body, and it is no one else’s decision, or a politicians decision on such a personal thing of what you will do with YOUR uterus. With that being said, I think if you have a perfectly capable body to deliver a child, but don’t want it, please consider adoption. People like me would LOVE to adopt. Also, getting rid of safe abortion options, leads to unsafe “back alley” ones. So all in all, I am PRO CHOICE. I am also pro adoption, pro birth control, pro abstinence, pro reality, and pro women’s right to choose.

freedomThis will never be a free country, until these assholes mind their own business.

However, after my Pinterest encounter with this person, apparently all people who are “pro choice” are whores, sluts, and murderers. Even pulmonary hypertension patients that have an 85% mortality rate when they are pregnant. Even the PH patients that have husbands, merely wanted a child, but know her body has a slim chance of making it. Most PH patients die within 35 days of delivery. What about birth control? Oh, we can’t be on that either because we already have a risk of blood clotting, stroke and heart attack on our own. So what are us “sluts” and “murderers” suppose to do? Are we supposed to carry through with this baby because they made it a law, so then we end up leaving a grieving husband and family with no wife OR child?
Bottom line, carrying a child will NEVER be anyone else’s decision except for the mothers uterus it’s in. Oh, and what did the girl on the pin say when I told her our side of the story? “That’s an extremely rare thing that’s even unavoidable.” Oh my. Honey, you are talking to the “rare thing.” I’m sorry about this post. I’m so tired of slut shaming, judgement, and being so stuck that you cannot appreciate people. All you do is turn your nose up, call them names, and tell them they need mercy? Like we don’t feel that enough as a HUMAN? These type of “Christians” have put such a horrible taste in my mouth. I hope the Jesus you are following is a tremendously different Jesus that I’ve heard of, and ever want to follow.
Everyone is SO WORTH LOVING. Just stop. You have your opinions, but you have no mercy, no bible quote, and no ground to stand on when you can look at someone, and call them a slut, and murder without knowing them. I hope you seek the “mercy” you in fact “deserve.” I don’t want to know you. Ever.