The Last Good Day.

“There’s no way of knowing that your last good day is Your Last Good Day. At the time, it is just another good day.”  That line in itself from TFiOS is something I’ve pondered on the past week since I’ve driven almost twenty-four hours in just a few days. I spent time with my best friends in Albuquerque, enjoyed the New Mexican atmosphere where I gave my last words to my grandmother in a chapel over the phone. I received the news that she passed away that next morning, then drove to Odessa where our family home is, drove onto many other locations for the burial, then my brothers home in Dallas, then onto my hometown. Its been a whirlwind of events, and family which led me thinking about this one quote.

My first night in Odessa consisted of taking down our family home, and dividing out little things before the lawyers come in to appraise the estate, or whatever. I just sat there, and didn’t know how my mom remained so calm (she had been living there since she was five) and this was merely a home we came to for the holidays and summers as grandchildren. Many exciting Christmas’s, Easters, dress up parties, historical story telling, and family gatherings happened in this home for me. We were always moving as kids, but this home remained the exact same since nineteen sixty-four. Now the green carpet will be torn up, the vintage furniture will be hauled out, and all the family pictures removed from the walls. I tried to think of the last time I spent with my grandma, but even then the house was in the process of being packed up, and there were home nurses invading privacy. But still while gathering her Christmas decor its like I could hear her rummaging through the house with us yelling at herself, and us. Its weird. You see, I can’t remember the last good day, or the good family event. Why? Cause at the time, it was just normal, it was like any other.

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I never thought about our family Christmas’s, or my brother moving to a different city until it stopped. Now its an act of hoarding any little time I get with my brother, who I now have to drop off at the airport a couple of days later; He used to live right across town. Christmas’s are complicated, and an act of making appearances on each side of the family. Getting everyone together for the holiday feels like trying to schedule a meeting for the United Nations Council. It’s not tradition always, its ever-changing life now.

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Christmas’s that were large, and together? They are merely memories on a videotape. My brother living in town? Now its just stories exchanged between he and I before he leaves. The last good day; the lasting memories. Why do you choose to live a miserable life? Why do you choose to make decisions that don’t empower you, but hold you back? What will you have to look back on and cherish when you are too old to barely remember? People wonder why I’ve developed such a chase for adventure, to want to DO things, and create things, because of this! You can’t just pause life and say, “Wait, I’m collecting memories here!” No. It’s your job to create them, making them wonderful, and remember them because of that simply and beautiful line. You never know when life ends, or the opportunity. Put your phone down, your barriers, and try to remember the good days before they become your last.

-haley.

Instagram@haleyann92

Song of the week is “Christmas Time is Here” from Vince Guaraldi. Enjoy.

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A Sad Little Fantasy.

A couple of years ago I saw a picture on Pinterest (are we shocked) that said, “What messes us most up in life is the picture in our head of how we think it is supposed to be.” That quote in itself about summed up about the age of fourteen through twenty for me. Despite the happiness, and hardworking front I can put on, there will always be an impending sadness that I am continuously attempting to work through.

I think a couple of years ago when I realized I could let go of some very damaging things, mentally I was free; for a little while, that is. You see, despite how they act, or what they say I know people think I’m crazy because of how ridiculous I can be. I choose to be the person that laughs the loudest, has the outrageous stories, the most ridiculous twist and turns, and I also choose to be stupidly positive sometimes. For a very long time those “stories” and “twist and turns” were nightmares, and very long nights of convincing myself not to just end things. I choose to laugh because at this point, it’s all I have left, and why not be the butt of everyone’s jokes? Why not just love people instead of yell, or get enraged? I don’t see the point anymore. I chose to toss that expected picture of life out a long time ago, and create my own.

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For time to time I focus on just reality, and it spills out onto my blog in angry protests and I have to pop a Xanax. I can read through your Facebook posts about ISIS, how downhill kids are these days, and all these wonderful people dying of the disease that I just happen to have, and I find myself in a corner of fury. I don’t find that fascinating at all. So I’ve built my own world full of writing, Nat King Cole, That 70s Show, Augustus Waters, I Dream of Jeannie, Rocco Ricardo, wonderful art, and I am happy. I know it’s an illusion. My writing is not famous, Nat King Cole is dead, no one knows what I Dream of Jeannie is anymore, and there is no Augustus Waters, only men who are weak-minded, and cats are better anyways. There will always be an impending sadness that my little haven isn’t reality; but within this fantasy I feel safe. It’s the only way I can achieve happiness these days.

I’m tired of trying to control reality because it’s just not going to happen. Are you doing that? Are you spending more time focusing on what you can’t control versus what you could be doing right? Love other people, that is something that can be done. Being that one light in a person’s life; that can be done. Focusing on what makes you happy rather than posting on what is going wrong; try it.

Life is not supposed to go any particular way, sometimes it ends before you get to finish it. Stop letting the picture mess up your creation.

-haley.

P.S. Song of the Week is still Rain Song by Led Zeppelin. I just cant get over it yet.

Hollywood is Still Hollywood, and I Am Still Sick.

Being a sick young adult in this world is not straightforward path. It’s a winding road full of surgeries, painful treatment, people who might not believe you, and even companies demanding money for saving your life and threatening to not save it anymore. With that being said, anyone who isn’t sick will not understand the sick. How could they?

The first thing I say when someone is experiencing a situation that I have never personally dealt with is, “I really don’t understand what you are going through, but I am here.” Why? Because it’s the truth. I think it’s a high form of ignorance to try to relate understanding when we really do not understand. How can we be understanding when we’ve never stepped into that world, we’ve only had a slight view of it? It’s completely different to see something, then experience it. You can watch someone chug vodka yet remain sober, but its different when you are the one chugging it too.

Lately I’ve spent some time reading very well written articles about how this is the year that social media is portraying “sick kids” and how it’s in style. Often I catch myself thinking, “no this isn’t a movie prop” when I walk around in public with my cannula up my nose. I definitely feel the anger as movies like The Fault in Our Stars rise to fame, and people become obsessed yet fail to realize that these sick kids are real, not just lovely on-screen actors. I’ve felt that ridiculous anger, believe me. These articles go so far as to say, and quote:

“But teenagers with illnesses do exist. I am one of them, and it hurts to see movies and television glamorize our suffering.”  –Lillie Lainoff at Yale University

But amongst this rage, I had a lovely realization that is much easier to deal with than that annoying anger which I have every right to feel.

When I noticed the white and black clouds of a bright blue book at Hastings, it succeeded in triggering me to read the back. I didn’t have seventeen dollars at the time (I know, ridiculous) but I ran back into the store on payday, and immediately made it mine. The minute I read about Hazel’s cannula I laughed and screamed. I was hooked, which is an understatement, just like all of America. I wasn’t enthralled because Augustus is “so cute”, or Amsterdam is romantic, but I was enthralled to read that someone could describe my feelings on paper. It was refreshing to read of an illness which you think I would be sick of; pun intended.

I can’t say for other TV shows, or movies, but I’d like to think that The Fault in Our Stars was anything but glamorous. So many people, including myself, described it as emotional death. Yes, it needed a little glamor because it was in fact a movie, and it was nice to experience butterflies for just a bit before impending death. I think what I love about John Green is not only his intelligence, but how realistic he is. His writing is real, and TFiOS is raw. John Green was a chaplain in a children’s hospital which inspired TFiOS. As John Green has stated a long these lines in an interview, “What struck me about these kids was the fact that they weren’t always smiling, they had no amazing wisdom just because they have cancer like everyone thinks, but they were just kids who happened to be sick.” Exactly. As I saw Augustus’s missing leg, Hazel’s hospital visit, her rapid breathing, a shitty author with a twisted view of sick children, and the raw yet horrifying scene of Augustus throwing up and screaming that he “hates himself” days before his untimely death was not glamorous. A lot of people actually hate TFiOS because it wasn’t perfect. But those scenes, as many tears as they provoked, and as much my heart hurt, I smiled. Those feelings were so real; those scenes were amazing. I hate myself when I have to sit down because my body is failing me, and everyone else gets to do what they want yet I am once again reminded of my own fault.

The fault in people saying “Hollywood has it wrong, and is glamorizing my illness” is that they are looking to people for understanding where understanding is not due. Stop getting mad because you are searching for understanding which is beyond unrealistic, just like this show titled, “Red Band Society.” That show may be unrealistic, which from my research it does in fact sound like a shitty portray of disease, but I think its lovely John Green wrote this real book, inspired by real kids, and it ended very real. Dont attack TFiOS. He wasn’t looking for people to understand, or glamor, he just created a lovely work of art. I personally experienced a version of that story, but I know that a lot of people who saw that did not, and they probably never will. They wanted Augustus to live, and hated Hazel’s walls that she built around herself, but I have a version of those walls, and I accepted Augustus’s death. It still sucked though.

So yes, I am aware of the anger of feeling like my oxygen is a movie prop, and the possessive thoughts of feeling like TFiOS is “all mine” and that these teen girls are clueless. But I catch myself in remembrance that I am expecting understanding where it is not due. Those kids will not understand my story, they weren’t meant to, and they can’t help it. They can only see my story, and respect it. So appreciate this art, The Fault in Our Stars, rather than bashing it. Because when they buried Augustus Waters, and Isaac couldn’t even see that because he just had his one eye he had left removed, I felt anything but glamorous. I smiled though, because I knew that I was a rare person who has cried those tears, and had those exact thoughts. I understood, I felt it was meant for me, and it was beautiful.

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-haley.

Instagram @haleyann92

Dont Ask.

Naturally, when you reach a certain age you are asked almost every day if you are “dating”, “seeing anyone”, “talking to anyone”, or god forbid “getting married.” No, no, no, and hell no. And guess what? I’m not available either. I’m not against any of this, and if you are then go you. I will be sure to mail your gold star, but stop asking me. I don’t get offended, I just get tired.

You see, at one point in my life that was my life. Utterly focused on the future, all I saw were children, a wedding, and BOOM that was it. That was all I ever thought about, and not an ounce of effort was put forth past it. Yea…things are slightly different. Not to re-hash old shit, but my world fell apart. I picked up the pieces, got over it, and once my world was somewhat put back together it was no longer the same place. For a long time I searched for who I thought could be a new “love” and all my efforts failed. As I sensed their lying, playing, stupidity, it just aggravated the fact that not only did I feel stupid to be looking, but I wasn’t ready. I’m still not, and I don’t care if I ever am.

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All my friends out there who had a kid, got married, getting married, or have serious loves, then go you. You are doing what you want! I can truly honestly say I’m not pulling a “cat-lady” moment saying that I’m happier single, but truthfully, I am. I don’t want to be criticized for it either. Yea, I check the single box on all my tax, and important documents. That box literally looks no different from the marriage one, except the wording beside it. My cat and I are very happy together y’all.

I’m glad that your marriage makes you feel complete, or your children. I really am! I desperately want my children someday, but I want my vodka, and book first. I may want my kids, but I can honestly say that I really don’t ever know if I actually want a marriage. Sorry that’s a jagged pill to swallow, but its the truth. I don’t crave a romance (unless I’m listening to Nat King Cole, or reading John Green) but hey, its fun to pin wedding crap on Pinterest! Maybe one day I’ll date, maybe marry, maybe not. So no, don’t ask me if I’m dating, or talking, or getting married. That was once my world, and what an awful and lonely world that once was.

-haley.

Four Years.

I was only fifteen years old while watching my freshman English teacher scribble inside of a John Lennon book that she decided to give to me while repeating, “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.” She said this often, and as fascinated as I was with the quote, I had no grasp of the concept. I mean, doesn’t every fifteen year old know exactly what they are doing with their life? I did. Mrs. Hepler had spent that year critiquing short stories I wrote in private, and we continually bonded over the Beatles, writing, and feminism. She saw something I guess, and felt the need to repeatedly say that quote to me. Its been seven years since I put that book on my shelf, and since I’ve sat in a desk in Mrs. Hepler’s class.

seventeen2Two weeks pre-diagnosis.

You see, my life was all planned out at one point. I was graduated, eighteen, had a fabulous relationship, and even though I was walking into a hospital at five in the morning well aware of what was about to happen…I still thought I was in full control. I remember the nurse having me sign “death papers” in case anything happened. That sting of reality hit hard because I had been eighteen maybe two weeks. I mean, werent my parents supposed to be signing these? I recall the same nurse taking literally eight tries to start my IV, and feeling the frustration of my family standing around telling me their goodbyes before I was wheeled off. But I had to remind myself that this was surgery, I would be asleep soon, and it was all no big deal. The masked female telling me that I had to be awake took another hack into my control theory, and soon I watched it crumble when they injected me, and slowed my breathing. I felt a giant tube squeeze its way through my throat, and watched a cord weave its way into my beating heart on a glowing screen. Doctors chatted around me in professional gibberish that I was too tired to comprehend, and soon I was being yelled at because I was losing consciousness, and bleeding out. Then with blinding lights flipped on, and nothing but silence filling this tiled blue room, I heard my doctor say, “Its your lungs.” My control was shattered.

At first I was told I was physically dying, and then I was just mad. Later, I felt like mentally I was dying, and wanted to actually physically die along with my broken heart, and my life was a collage of unidentifiable direction, misleading information, and trying to fight for control. I’ve been PHighting for a long time. I’ve taken pills, had more tubes shoved into arteries, scans of my organs, and oxygen crammed up my nose. Four years has gone by quick especially when you are told you only have two years left to live. At times I really thought I would rather take my own life, than to continue to fight this tiring disease.

The blue prints in which I thought I had planned my life out perfectly went through the shredder a long time ago. At one point, you just have to sit back and think, “what the hell happened?” But this weird, and unpredictable road has been painful, but as I’ve said before, there is an odd beauty in pain. I saw this John Lennon book collecting dust on my shelf the other day, opened it and read a little message from Mrs. Hepler. I smiled, and soon everything fell exactly into place. I’m still me…but my life really did happen despite my other plans.

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Four years strong.

This is dedicated to Tricia Hepler, who without, I probably would have a ridiculous amount of comma’s on this page. In fact, I bet I still do. What a fantastic person, writer, and general artist you are. Thank you.

-haley.

Thank Y’all.

Finally, I am home. I have nothing left but exhaustion, and happiness. This was such a perfect trip! I wanted to thank my readers, and the PH Association for making it possible. This was an absolute highlight of my life. Most of you followed on Facebook, and Instagram, and thank you for that! I am so glad you got to see the events unfold online. To those who I finally met in person, that was such an uplifting experience. As most of you know, I was nominated for the Young PHA’s Outstanding Citizen Award which still baffles me. I watched so many other PH’ers get on stage to accept their awards, only to hear about all the amazing things they’ve done. They are some PHenomenal people doing PHenomenal things! It was hardcore proof of the importance of connecting with other people who are affected by the same disease as you. Get involved! It will change things. Congrats to all of those who accepted an award, got to attend conference, had an amazing time, branched out, and learned. Everyone has done amazing job in the PH community.

As I’m coming up on my fourth year anniversary of being diagnosed, I’m reflecting heavily on my original feelings towards this disease. How absent I was, blank, unresponsive, and I possessed not an ounce of fight. When you are diagnosed with anything it’s really starting a challenge of overcoming yourself. That sounds easy; you know you better than anyone else. Except, most people leave out one huge detail about a diagnosis. You are no longer you anymore. From day one, you are wearing a completely new skin, adapting to what feels like a completely new body, treatments, a new circle of people (or survivors) and everything you thought you once knew about yourself is dust. Well, some of it. Now you will be tested on your mental, and emotional strength, how far will you go to physically overcome, and to one day make it to an infinitive finish line called “survivor.” Overcoming yourself is not easy; it’s the hardest thing you will go through. In the meantime remember, that mental dominates physical. If you can understand, comprehend, and get a handle on this mentally…your body will catch up. Mind over matter. I had to dominate my own self, swallow pride, not listen to certain thoughts, cut certain people out, let doctors in, and really figure out what it is I exactly needed. It really is possible to pull yourself out of that dark place. The only thing keeping you down is you. Look at yourself and heavily evaluate what is going on, and what needs to be changed. It took almost four years exactly to get somewhat on the right track. You will fall off every now and then, or take a wrong turn. I struggle mentally, emotionally, and physically. This is a lifetime disease, and until we can get that cure, it will be a lifetime battle. Find the will to live, and hold onto it. There is beauty in this struggle. Who knew I would get to wear glitzy shoes, and accept a ridiculously heavy glass award, meet fans, take pictures, stay in a four star hotel, have people ask me questions, and have my face and story all over the world because of PH? Quite frankly, I’m thankful.

Train your mind to see the good. Mind over matter. Thank you to everyone for showing me the good side of PH! Its been a trip. Pictures are below! Thank y’all again.

-haley.

Instagram! @haleyann92

Facebook.com/phenomenalhaley

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Onward!!

Holy cow! It’s finally here; Conference week. I’m heading off to Indianapolis in about seven hours (its almost midnight)….and I need to pack. I know, how shameful. Rocco is feeling anxious, and its making me sad to leave him, yet anxious as well. Most of you know I was nominated, and won The Pulmonary Hypertension Association’s Outstanding Young Adult award for 2014. I am extremely grateful, and proud. I know we are always talking about how much this disease sucks, but really, I want to thank my disease for what it has done to me. Its given me a privilege to dig way deeper into myself than I would have ever done before, to find out who I truly am, its taught me what it means to survive, how fragile life is, and to conquer. I am thankful for my shitty lungs.

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Sooo, since I will be on the road (and worrying about Rocco 24/7) I don’t want to leave everyone out of the experience! I will be vlogging the whole time. Vlogging? Yes, vlogging. I guess I will take a Claire Marshall whack at this, and see what y’all think! I can’t wait for everyone to see the experiences (including Funky Bones park from TFiOS), and until I can upload it all you can follow me on my social media sites!

Song of the week is Boom Clap from the TFiOS soundtrack because this is the song they played while Hazel and Gus arrived at their destination in Amsterdam. Such an exciting song! Find, and follow me to keep up with this week! Have a lovely day everyone!

-haley.

Instagram @haleyann92

Facebook.com/phenomenalhaley

Fashion Friday Favorites!

Its FRIDAY y’all! Get happy! Friday Favorites are something I love doing, but when is the last time I did fashion friday? Today you’re getting two in one. How special! Friday favorites are existent to encourage you to branch out, and try new things. That makes life just a little more fun. Fashion Fridays are geared to help us with our bodies, and things we might be suffering from as patients. Onward!

FRIDAY FAVORITES

 

-Music

How did y’all know?! Of course its the Fault in Our Stars soundtrack! The directors, and whoever else did an amazing job with music just like the movie itself. This is something I was most worried about because I am a huge music person. I wanted my already favorite movie ever to have a fabulous soundtrack with unknown songs. They are so fantastic! I’m having a hard time deciding my favorite, but overall, I cant wait to have this on Vinyl.

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-Makeup

I’ve invested in so much makeup lately, I do not know where to start. I think the more you experiment and get used to makeup, the more crazy you get. LimeCrime is probably my favorite to glance at, and finally I ordered some of their product the other day. They have extremely bright colors (even PH colored lipstick!) and I ordered the Black Velvet matte lipstick. BLACK?! Yes, black. I’m extremely excited to wear this “color” and test the high quality of this brand. So far, its had fantastic reviews. I’ve checked my mailbox fifty times already this morning since its supposedly out for delivery. I’ll post follow-up photos on Instagram if you are curious!

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-Book

Lord have mercy y’all. I’m in the process of trying to read like five books at one time. I’m really trying to get through An Abundance of Katherines by John Green, because anything by that man is amazing. I’m also fixing to start something called Never Let Me Go that a friend suggested. I also want to read Perks of Being a Wallflower, and Empire of the Summer Moon. Thats my ridiculously long reading list right now!

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-Clothing– FASHION FRIDAY – FAT ANKLE SUMMER FASHION

Honestly, like with makeup, I’ve bought a ton of new clothes lately. This whole new trend with these flowy bohemian printed pants is absolute perfect summer fashion. No restrictive jeans, no shorts so you can hide your legs if you want, and if you’re swollen they hide your ankles! However, these printed pants are a little tricky. Unless you are a literal stick, you HAVE to try them on. They can hug in all the wrong areas almost 100 percent on the time. The super stretch spandex ones (mainly found at boutiques) will hug every crevice on your body, and out line every area. Beware. You really want to find the pants made of actual cloth, like cotton, and what not. I’ve only found one pair that hugs my legs in a good way, fits comfy, doesn’t outline weird areas, BUT are ridiculously long so I’m about to cut them. They are by Billabong, and were worth the investment. So if you are looking to spice up your wardrobe, remain comfortable, and hide some summer Edema, look into these lovely things! Pair with a neutral top that is not baggy, or printed. Remember, ALWAYS try them on!

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-Show

I jumped on the Meth bandwagon…and started watching Breaking Bad. I wasnt too impressed at first, but it definitely has me hooked! If only I was making that kind of money to pay off my medical bills. It is a little rough, but its the kind of twisted that you end up swallowed in. Plus Aaron Paul? Um…Yeah, B*tch! (You’ll get that later.)

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-Indy

Words cannot describe how excited I am to experience a new state, city, and to meet PH patients in person! It’s insane to me how the same month TFiOS comes out, I’m going to the exact city it took place in, and filmed! Lord have mercy. I encourage everyone to travel as much as they can. Make the arrangements, and stay safe while traveling! It’s not worth to sit at home. It’s a beautiful life; get out and see it before it’s over.

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-Nail Polish

It may be summer, but I still can’t get into the swing of a bright polish. I’ve been wearing a lot of white, and just bought a new Essie polish titled, “Bahama Mama.” It sounds like summer, but it’s actually a pretty dark shade as well. I know, I know…but I don’t care.

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-Movie

No comment.

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-Accessory

I’ll just throw it out there that Texas is the best, hahahaha. Besides that fact, the state shape itself is just awesome and the most identifiable. I’ve been searching for a tiny little Texas necklace for a while now, and finally found one yesterday in a  small town boutique. Its perfect! You can shop on Etsy if need be to invest in your state pride.

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It was a somewhat short Friday Favorites, and Fashion Friday all rolled into one! Enjoy your Friday loves! I’m going to continue to drink coffee, listen to the TFiOS soundtrack, and repair myself emotionally. There is a reason its the number one movie in America right now! See some of y’all at conference. GET EXCITED!

-haley.

Instagram @haleyann92

Facebook.com/phenomenalhaley

 

Takes One to Know One.

I guess, emotionally, I’ve come to a stage where I feel “checked out.” Nearly everything I do when It comes to talking to people, attempting to write, and even watching a movie, I feel as if there are no feelings left right now. Emotional drained, whatever you want to call it, that’s how I’m feeling. Really, I have no idea why I’ve reached such a weird spot, but I have. I think back to The Fault in Our Stars, and of course I become like every teenage girl, melting into a puddle on the floor when Augustus comes on-screen. But for me, it goes deeper than the superficial feelings of “he’s cute” and “he says all the right things.” For me, it strikes a deep chord of acceptance. He doesn’t care about Hazel Grace’s oxygen, in fact he teases her, helps her, and understands that her lungs suck at being lungs. He understands the seriousness of being checked into the hospital, and the mental torture we go through as patients not to be “grenades.” He doesn’t care, and he’s still there with his non-lit cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and escorting her around.

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I wonder sometimes whether it takes the sick to know the sick. The whole, “takes one to know one” phrase has crossed my mind many times. Diagnosed at eighteen, I was fresh out of high school, and had literally been a so-called adult for maybe a week. I was still a kid at heart, and so was the kid I had been dating for a long time. I guess you could say that Pulmonary Hypertension was the equivalent of being T-boned by a semi…for him. I saw this so-called semi coming for a mile now. I felt my lungs, I felt how much work it was just to stay awake all day; I knew it was coming. The mental side in which not only attacked me, and tricked me into hating everything, attacked him too. Who expects two eighteen year olds to deal with surgeries, oxygen machines, mental acceptance, and acceptance of each other? It’s almost impossible. You really don’t even know yourself yet, but all you supposedly know is “I hate myself, and I should die as how my body intended.” Yea, a giant bolder in a tiny pool. It’s not fun. What was shock, turned into superficial acceptance and support while trying to figure out what was going on, which turned into being tired, figuring out how tough this is, finally understanding these shitty lungs aren’t going away, boredom, moving on, making fun of the disease, non acceptance, and separation.

There was no Augustus. There never has been. I don’t blame him, it was a lot for me to handle, let alone him. As I meet all these new supposed “men” they still don’t understand. Not to show hate, but they don’t ask the questions, they really don’t comprehend that taking on me is taking on an emotional Olympic course. “It’s no big.” While I want someone to treat it as if it’s “no big”, I also want that balance of they completely understand how big this lung monster can actually be. Just saying. They have no idea. Maybe if they did, they would run like him. I really don’t blame him, and sometimes the little things he did of showing his superficial “Augustus” side can make me smile. But I stopped trying to explain my lungs a long time ago to certain guys; It takes more oxygen than it should. Overall, I just loved the story of Hazel and Augustus. I think it fell together beautifully because they both knew what it was like to be trapped in a failing body, and to hate yourself.

Only the sick understand the sick.

-haley.

Instagram @haleyann92

Facebook.com/phenomenalhaley

Enjoy our song of the week, Let Me In from the Fault in Our Stars official soundtrack.

Patience is Prettier.

Happy June everyone! I can’t believe I’ve finally made it to this month. Exactly two weeks until I leave for Indy! This is a very busy time, and I wanted to thank everyone for their patience. Not only is attitude a very tricky, and contagious concept, but I think patience is as well. How can I put this…

I am not just some college kid lounging around, going out with friends, and blowing things off. My average day consisted of getting up in the morning, working at the school until around three, then from there going straight to my other job till around eleven o’clock at night, coming home, trying to catch up on blog things, but most of the time I fell asleep. I am a very busy person. Now that school is out, I’ll have little opportunities and small windows of time to get things completed. In basic words; I push myself enough. If you push me, I will push back.

patience3

I’ve encountered some pushiness, and non patience. I understand frustration, but I will not be understanding in these situations. Right now I’m lucky enough to remember to make a blog post! So, patience. This is something that is quickly trickling out of our economy. We have smart phones that process things faster than computers, we have supermarkets with two-hundred cashier lanes open so you can get through faster, we have fast food drive throughs, and we want everything done now. We’re living a life where we don’t really have to be patient. So when the time comes to wait a whole 30 seconds for the internet to load, driving around a wreck, or waiting in line for a spray tan, we FLIP. Patience is a fabulous thing to exhibit. To hear the excuses of “I’m a paying customer” shows me that you value money over respecting another person. To hear “its their job” is another example of the non-respect you have for another person. When you are understanding, show compassion, and take time to evaluate the situation rather than just your feelings on your side of the story it begins to get easier for everyone involved. The other day I waited almost forty-five minutes on just my food. I got a little questionable of what was going on, but was not upset with my waitress, or cooks at all. I was once a waitress that lost an order too. This is life, full of thrown together mishaps, and somehow (maybe) we make it out alive.

Please look around and acknowledge the humans around you. Exactly that, they are human. Patience was built into your body. Start exercising, and practicing it more; I’m having to work on it too.

Thank you again for everyone’s patience.

Congrats to Karla, our Hazel Grace contest winner! TFiOS comes out FRIDAY! Our song of the week is Icarus by White Hinterland. Perfect, breathable summer song.

-haley.