Exit Here.

I’ve had some people contacting me over a subject that seems to scare them in this scary time of year; I am no longer PH centered. I know, its shocking to you, but it’s not to me. I think no longer just focusing on PH has given me a breath of fresh air into other subjects that have consumed my heart.

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You see, I’ve been passionately writing since I was in the fourth grade. I remember the exact day that the lesson “clicked” and this writing thing became easy. I was scoring Fours (four being the highest in Texas) while everyone was struggling to make it halfway down their little notebook pages. My thoughts have flowed onto a paper naturally, and I’ve enjoyed it. I stopped writing around sixteen. I have no idea why, but really I had nothing interesting in my life, in fact I was sleeping most of the day. After I was diagnosed, Pulmonary Hypertension gave me an angry and emotional trigger, and just like a bullet, I fired. All of my thoughts from years of silence flowed out onto this blog. I can’t believe I gained an audience, and I am forever grateful for my PH family, the conference, the wonderful thank you letters, and my award sitting at the front of my room.

My PH writing itch has mostly been scratched. There will always be more to cover as new challenges approach, but I have other things on my mind. I am an activist at heart. I don’t want to be the ugly, screaming activist, but I do believe in justice and broadcasting the truth that people mostly miss. That simple statement has a lot of you upset. Some have contacted me asking why I’m not writing, some of y’all refuse to support and voice your opinions on such, and while I respect that I can’t understand that. I cannot live and breathe PH daily because PH is a disease that does not believe in giving “breaths.” I have nothing against my disease, or my PH lovelies, I just don’t feel a desire anymore. I am currently at peace with my disease, but not other subjects that come to mind. I want this page to be something you can come to reflect on for new articles, or search old PH issues that I might have covered in the past. But lets just get one thing across about Haley Ann; I am not a people pleaser. People pleasing is one of the weakest things others can succumb themselves to. You simply cannot please everyone, so what is the point of trying? Please yourself, and do what is right.

So I hope that with all this being said, you can support the blog after the PH years that hopefully it supported you in. There are stages in a disease process, and all are different just like the patients themselves. I am merely exiting one phase, and transforming into another. Thank you (hopefully) for your understanding.

-haley.

Song of the week is “You Sent me Flying/Cherry” by the lovely Amy Winehouse.

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Heart Healthy Week: Thoughtful Thursday.

Oh, this week y’all…we’re going to stay positive!!

Heart Healthy Week: Thoughtful Thursday.

Dont let the goofy title confuse you. I’m not talking about thoughtful as in thinking of others (because you should be doing that anyways), but I’m speaking about your own thoughts…and how powerful just those can be.

The other day I heard someone mention the word reputation, and I think I might have actually twitched. I had either a Clueless or Meangirl flashback. Isn’t that the meanest word you’ve ever heard? Okay, maybe it’s not the absolute worst but still. I had no idea that we still linger on our idea of “reputations” and other people’s “reputations.” GoodNESS.

For the longest time I was a gossip, loved to gossip, and still catch myself doing it. Hello, we all do. However, you can learn to control it and flip your state of mind when it comes to gossiping. Living in a small town word gets around fast, you bump into people who you already somewhat know, but have never even met, and when something happens you want to escape. Why? This so-called “reputation.” Let me just say this, when you reach a point to not care about other people, and their opinions, life is so freeing. Reputation to me just screams scoreboard! Like we’re all walking around with little pens and paper, and keeping tally over who is doing what with who, where that happened, how they are, and how much we can laugh in their mistake. Seriously people? Is the word reputation sounding awful just yet? In December, I kind of had this revelation. No longer will I ever judge a person based on what someone else has told me. I will meet them myself, what they say to me will in turn leave me to my private thoughts about that person. And even then, I have no idea what they have personally been through, what their personal choices are, and it’s not my place to even try to understand that. It’s merely my place to smile, and be supportive. Why? We as humans are called to love people.

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Also, has anyone ever thought about spending time alone with your own thoughts? To anyone that has ever gone through anything mentally, that sounds like a terrifying idea. Usually we’re encouraged to stay busy to escape our own thoughts. Lately, its been so refreshing though to just soak in a bath, write, sketch, or lay down with Rocco. I consider this a reconstructive time that I’m going to need the rest of my life. Sometimes when we’re so busy with other people, and clouded with their talking, and their thinking, we really lose ourselves. I know a lot of moms go through this when it comes to our loving families. But, our own bodies, and minds are keeping us going. Sometimes you just need to sit down or go out, and be alone for a while with yourself, and reconstruct your mind or way of thinking for that time. Get into a habit of relaxing into your own thoughts, and it becomes quite peaceful rather than scary…and a process of accepting yourself.

People should be less consumed in their thoughts associated with someone’s “reputation”, or the fact that a “reputation” should even exist. Its called actually learning to love and accept people…which in reality could reflect into accepting yourself. You should never be concerned with scoring others, or even yourself. What a miserable life that makes for not just you…but seriously. When you have medical bills, tubes up your nose or coming out of your chest, pills to swallow…who has time to judge others or you? Think of who you are, and think of other peoples feelings. Relax. Love you, and love others!

-haley.

Heart Healthy Week: True to Yourself Tuesday.

Second day into Heart Healthy Week! We’ve got this y’all!

Heart Healthy Week – True to Yourself Tuesday.

The other day while scribbling in the days date somewhere, I actually had the most ridiculous moment ever. I questioned for a second whether it was actually 2013, or 2014. Yes, I’m serious. It just seemed like it couldn’t possibly be 2014 already, in fact I remember when 2012 was supposedly doomed. Goodness!

With this all of a sudden being 2014, I don’t see how most of the public still finds it a problem making it over the hurdle of acceptance by others. We are so afraid of these “other people”, and their thoughts. What they are saying, what they are thinking, what they could possibly persuade others into thinking…and I’m totally guilty of it too. It’s amazing how another human being can scare us into the most miserable thing ever; not being ourselves. Within this little reality, comes another ridiculous reality. This is a cycle that will never stop. Children learn to criticize at such an early age, and breaking people down becomes almost a sport to the human race. It provides “great” gossip, “great” laughs, and overall a demented state of life.

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I feel as though finally, a part of the human race has risen from this zombie state of mind and stood up for the love of others. I’ve recently discovered a wonderful community called, “So Worth Loving” that has re-established my faith in people. Please check out their wonderful website as well as Instagram. We accept our faults, that we are guilty of these faults too, and it becomes a tricky balance of not being judgmental of judgement itself. Overall, you can’t be a people pleaser. It’s just not possible to please every soul in the room, and when you think you can, you find yourself hurting others to please in reality another human that could hurt you. There are only a couple of people you should love and stay true too. Yourself, and your best friends. The best friends that love you, not the idea of you. The ugly you, not the “only on your good days” you. You have to love yourself, you have to present the real you, and the right people will love you. When you’re fake, you attract fake. Thats why I’ve made it a number one priority to stay myself on the blog, and present the truth no matter how dark and twisty it can be.

Accept yourself, accept others, love yourself, and love others. To quote Sex and The City, “If I gave a damn about what all the bitches in New York City thought of me, I’d never leave my apartment.” Have a lovely Tuesday y’all!

-haley.

Becoming Weightless

So as y’all know I took a short break from blogging and I’ve realized that in a way this blog is what I come running to as far as keeping my sanity.
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Lately I’ve been wanting a family of my own so badly to the point I feel as though I’m losing my mind. People tell me I’m crazy and I’m too young, and yes I may be young but I’m not crazy. Having my own family is not only a dream but its something I know I’m meant for. I’m already making plans for my children that don’t even exist yet because I want the best possible future and life for them. It’s definitely a passion that even thinking about makes me happy. But where did it start? Why in the world would someone my age want to raise children, be around children, start planning children and what not? It’s not just a happy side effect from sex, it’s literally about having the crazy miniature person that will eventually turn into an adult that I crave. I want my family, I want my child and I just want a chance at a happy life.

We all have families or at least people in our families that drive us insane. We joke about it around the holidays, we make sure people know what we’re about to be dealing with and it’s a form of bonding I guess. But to me it’s a lot more than just a joke. For some people that’s their lifestyle and it’s a struggle on top of an already life contaminating disease. Everyday is a PHight for people who have a disease. We have to wake up in the morning, gather the energy to stumble around (hopefully not pass out) and actually piece ourselves together for the real world. It sucks but it’s reality. Some of our situations are easier than others as well. I take around 10 pills a day while some are changing and cleaning a chest tube…others are waiting on a transplant. Our lives are beyond difficult. We deal with anger, attempting to be patient, stress from medical bills all the way to appointments and just plain exhaustion whether its physical or mental. We have issues, we know we have issues but we don’t need to be reminded of being an issue.
Relationships are an intricate task of balancing happiness and being realistic. Some of us can find that true happiness in those around us and it’s that part of us the becomes dependent. Their happiness is ours. Some relationships around us however are unhealthy, exhausting and send us into emotional turmoil. And what do we do when that’s family? Distance is your best friend in this situation. You can’t really ban them from your life and send them away forever. They’re woven into your genes, family events and functions. But you don’t always have to pick up the phone, attend or talk. Sometimes the cure for a bad relationship is barely one at all because in the end, what else do you need on top of this mountain of crap? And you, the family that can’t accept, be nice, play nice, screams, yells, calls us inconsiderate pieces of shit, reminds us of our faults and how terrible we are…man. I hope you know how strong you make us. Because you try to weigh us down when we already have so much else to carry. You will not succeed anymore, I am weightless.

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Am I perfect? Oh hell no. Am I a golden child? Never will be. I know my faults, I accept them. But I don’t need to constantly have them thrown my way. I do my best to move forward. I love people, my cats, my life in most ways and when it sucks I don’t need someone there to remind me I do. I cannot wait to have my children to support, encourage and enlighten them. It will be difficult, it will be the hardest job I’ve ever been given but I can already see how 100% worth it it’ll be. They will already have so much weight from so many other things in life, so why add more… like you’re doing?

-haley.