It’s Not Fair.

My life has been a series of a whole lot of struggles, especially lately. Life will never hesitate to jump out of the bushes, and knock you to the ground. From dealing with my health, jobs, stressful life decisions, and Rocco’s health you could definitely say I’m exhausted.

When I first adopted Rocco I had just been diagnosed. I had nothing to do, was forced not to work, or go to school, so therefore I decided to bring home a very small barely six-week old kitten. He was hard work from day one: he had fleas, he couldn’t receive any flea treatments because he was too young, he had to have baths, and he also had to be bottle fed. When he slept I slept, and when he was awake he was needing to be fed, and supervised (he wasn’t allowed to walk around because the other cats didn’t need fleas – also he was too small.) For being on bed rest, I was a very busy new “cat mom.” I cried by the end of that first week because I was so exhausted taking care of this super young cat. I noticed though the more he grew that the harder his abdomen got. He was this tiny little cat with this very distended bulging belly.

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 presetRocco was diagnosed with Asthma a little over a year later. He has an oversized heart, and lots of fluid in his lungs which causes him to start coughing in which then he literally starts drowning in his own body. My dad and I have spent hundreds of dollars on appointments, equipement, medication and beyond that have spent hours with Rocco trying to keep him breathing. Our other cats were kind of ignored because of this – and we’ve exhausted and ignored our own needs because of the love we have for Rocco.

Rocco is my kid, and he is my best friend. Moving away by myself he of course came with me, and I’ve clung to him even more than before. He is my companion, he is who I come home to at night, and he is who needs me and loves me unconditionally. Our relationship has definitely changed after moving away though. I never spend too many hours away from my home, when I drive to the nearest town for groceries I time it just right, and feel excited/panicky on the drive back because I know Rocco is waiting…even though he is probably asleep and could care less. After I come home from work, he purrs, and is glued to me. When I leave town, he comes with me. And at three this morning while he gasped for air, I cried and clung to him almost yelling at him that he couldn’t leave me yet. That’s when it hit me; how ridiculously co-dependent I am on Rocco.

It’s honestly not fair that he was put into my life with such a malfunctioning set of lungs. It’s not fair how attached we’ve become with always a threatening gloom hanging over us that one of these days his lungs will not keep going. However like I’ve said before, I’m glad he ended up with a mom who also has shitty lungs, and knew how to take care of him while others would’ve had given up on him long ago. I hope my Rocco will stay with me a little longer. His purrs, furs, grumpy attitudes, cuddles, and talkative days are what I need.

I love him so much. It really just isn’t fair. That’s all.

-haley.

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