As a Woman, I have Failed.

Something has been bugging me for a couple of weeks now. Not only do the attacks against women just add to everything, but now just something extra makes things worse. Recently when someone said, “I don’t know if I could commit to someone who might be dead before they are fifty” the words didn’t settle in till later. Now they are sinking deep into my thoughts, and I just can’t deal with it.

Growing up as a girl, we are taught to be a certain way from the beginning. We are taught to aspire for marriages, pretty dresses, and prince charming (Watch Disney for references.) We really do expect fairy tales because what girls watch grind that idea into our brains. We have dress up wedding dresses, baby dolls, and while all of this is very natural at the same time we need to make sure that with these little fairy tales we are teaching the right messages. Right now we are teaching young girls to put all their hopes in relationships, marriages, and men. That success is defined by the man that we “obtain”, the beautiful middle of the woods engagement photos we take,  the number of children we give birth to, the every month photography that is done of them, and the chevron decorated house we up keep. Success is not the achievement of attempting to be something like a Paramedic, speaking for what is right, doing something for you, or waiting to progress through things in life.

As a woman, daily, I have failed. As the gender I had no choice in, I have failed at the expectations set out for me that I do not choose either. I have to constantly defend my “singleness” at only twenty-four. In my early twenties that seems to be the ice breaker. “Are you seeing anyone? Are you dating? Is there anyone serious?” Why is this the major question to ask me? I have failed because I’m not married. I have failed because I find comfort in my cat more than I do men. I have failed because my weekends are filled with smoking, old movies, and writing instead of drinking and dates.

As a woman, I have failed. I have failed because I cannot have children. I physically cannot carry the children that I CAN in fact get pregnant with. As a woman, who needs the freedom to be able to choose abortion in the future to possibly save my life, I am told I am a murderer, liberal dumbass, slut, whore, baby killer and so on. Because knowing I can’t have my own children doesn’t hurt enough, your “pro-life” words help so much.

As I woman, I have failed. My lungs and heart are trying to kill me. My dad, mother, and I shell out a ridiculous amount of money for medication that barely keeps me going, and destroys other parts of my body. We spend thousands of dollars on gas money to get me to expensive doctor appointments every couple of months. I have failed because I am a sick person with a hefty price tag attached that no one wants to pick up. Meanwhile, people simply ignore it, and say “life isn’t fair.” Those hurtful and empty words just don’t cut it anymore.

I don’t mind being different from main stream people; I like that my apartment has no chevron in it, and I love falling asleep at night not worrying about my “relationship.” I’m fine with it, until I am reminded daily by outsiders how being different in two thousand fifeteen is still not accepted, and how in a way the “expectations” of women’s roles have not changed. I am disappointed in others views, and in turn I end up disappointed in myself. Why should I be taught to hate myself because I am not the every day woman?

People are going to call me lots of things, and it all matters on what I answer to. I get that. But how comfortable people are at making others feel so different is disturbing.



The Mystery of the 27 Club.

The first time I ever heard a cryptic organ pound the first parts to “Light my Fire”, I was hooked. Only nine years old, I danced in the hallway outside my brother’s room like a fool; whoever this was I was already in love with them. Jim Morrison was captivating from day one. His face stared back at mine from the poster hung on my brothers closet door, and I wondered exactly who this curly-haired “crazy” was who my brother taught me to love.


Time spent alone with John (the brother) was like its own little educational hour in itself. I was consistently taught on movies, and most importantly music. Who was who (besides the actual Who) different sounds, era’s, and how to recognize them. We of course spent plenty of time in his Vista Cruiser, driving up to the local CD spot, and adding onto his CD collection. Then, he invested in the starting pieces in my collection. My first rock CD’s were The Who, Ted Nugent, Heart, and of course, The Doors. I was probably the only kid walking around in middle school, day dreaming of what my time would’ve been like with Jim Morrison while other kids were listening to…God I don’t even know what was popular in that time. Moving on, of course my brother quickly schemed over in explaining the Lucky 27’s. Since then, I never really forgot it, but there have been a few people we have added to it.

What in the hell am I talking about? If you’ve never heard of the lucky 27 club, it’s all these musicians that just happened to die at, well, twenty-seven. Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Kobain, and Amy Winehouse among others. While they were still here, and even after they left, The 27 Club have been paralyzing to the mind. We can’t help but stare; at the clothing? Sure. At the outrageous lifestyle? Sure. But the words, the music, and the thoughts they left behind? We cant help but be mesmerized.


A lot of people love to sum up these people’s lives as drug infused all night insanity poetry sessions. Those people have no depth I can tell you that right now. We need to be willing to push past “summing” people up, and exterior stereotypes. I can’t deny that these people didn’t have probably a steady stream of some sort of high-powered drug running through their veins, but lets look deeper than the usage into why the usage.

From my many years of studying Jim Morrison, anyone you talked to has always said that he was just a lot to “handle.” He was so smart, so progressive, and so ahead that he was almost unobtainable. At a young age he had possessed such an older view on things rather than how he had been raised to think. He was ahead of a time period where The Beach Boys, short hair, and Suzy Q dresses were the only thing acceptable. Jim Morrison refused to be “acceptable”, and lived sometimes a very lonely life doing so. Janis Joplin was much the same; she saw what was around her and refused to settle into it. She couldn’t help but act as her true self wanted to, and was laughed out of the state of Texas for just that. To watch interviews with both her and Jim are captivating. The wisdom that they spill only in their early 20’s, the point of views they bring to the table are mind-blowing. “They were just on drugs” doesn’t cut it anymore. Drugs tire out eventually, but the truth doesn’t. Why are we still spinning their records? Wearing T-shirts with their faces? Buying books on their life, or poetry they wrote?


To me, every person has a spark. You have to have a certain kind of spark to stay alive in this world, one that other people recognize. Sometimes your spark fuels you through college, and lands you an awesome job. Sometimes your spark helps you connect with other people. Sometimes people dull their spark to settle for more attainable lives, which is what a lot of people are doing these days. People like Jim, Janis, Jimi, Amy, and others…even people like Michael Jackson…I don’t think were born with a spark. They were born with a bonfire inside of their soul. They were so big, and felt so much that they had to do. It’s like everyone see’s life normally, and these people see life through a panoramic view. They are bigger than themselves, they are legends, and because of that it’s almost destructive. Everyone worshiped them, wanted to  be them, and they wanted to escape themselves. They saw, and felt so much that they relayed it through songs, music notes, poetry, sex, and they wanted an escape from feeling so much so often. Maybe drugs helped numb the overall feeling of too much feeling to begin with. Maybe drugs helped close some doors of perception, and pain; Pain that they experienced much too young, pain that caused scaring, and an unknown pain that helped fuel this so-called bonfire.


We have to understand that there was really nothing they kept to themselves. They put their entire lives in the open for people to see, mainly because they had no choice. Those who saw this raging fire, and new movement took to them like moths to a flame. Others sat and ridiculed them wanting to burn them alive. They were beyond themselves now; they were iconic, legends, and life artists.

Everyone will look to drugs as these people’s main killer. Personally, the world killed them, and their bonfire that they were born with burned them from the inside. They did everything they could to share these flames of amazement with everyone, and we were captivated, but eventually their soul gave out. Janis Joplin died because she was alone. She couldn’t stand to be alone because despite her beautiful laugh she hated herself. So, she injected super strength heroine that knocked her to the ground in seconds. Jim Morrison decided after a sleepless night to take a bath, maybe to relieve his mind that was constantly raging where his lifeless body was found later.


I truly believed they not only killed themselves, but the world helped. We hated them, smothered them, banned them, made them idols while they attempted to remain true to themselves. Watching Janis Joplin answer questions, she tells not one lie. She’s authentic, and full of love. Listening to her sing, I hear nothing but pain. Reading Jim’s poetry is breath-taking. I may not understand all of it because I will never see, or understand things as he did. I don’t think there is exactly a big mystery about the Lucky 27 club. They themselves were a super strength drug that the world, and not even themselves could handle. They burnt up from the inside out, and life was merely too small for their spirits.

Song of the Week is Curses Invocations by Jim Morrison.


What Pageants Taught Me.

So the view has ticked off all the nurses, and pretty much everyone in the medical field has got that covered. Nurses, paramedics, doctors, and more have taken the internet by storm putting the View exactly in its place which has been quite entertaining. However, I’m here to discuss a different issue.

Most of my blog readers have no idea that I used to be a beauty queen. It’s not something that I discuss much because it didn’t carry over into the important parts of my life. I became a title holder at eight years old (my first pageant ever to compete in, and I shocked my family and won) and from there on out that was my life. I was dancing four days a week, making appearances as my current title, and off competing at others. At the time it was great fun, because I was young enough for it to be fun, but I also had no idea what it contributed to the issues I battle today.

Little Miss Amarillo Haley Ann Lynn, 8, Amarillo, looks toward one of her mother's friends while holding a fan of Miss Amarillo Brooke Staudt in Amarillo during a Thursday June 21, 2001, bon voyage event for Staudt. Staudt is scheduled to participate in the Miss Texas Pageant, which will be in Fort Worth on July 7. (Photo by Michael Lemmons) NR2-EA-LIFESTYLES/PAGEANT2-ML.CMYK
Most people don’t really get a sense of what goes into a pageant. We’ve gotten a taste, or glimpse at Toddlers in Tiara’s or whatever the hell, but when you are the one getting put into gowns that takes three people to get you into, then you have no idea. Pageants take training up until the moment you go on stage. I remember being picked up from school exhausted, and it was a day where I went to ballet until seven that night, or I went and worked on my speech with a coach to make sure I was enunciating. We had to work on walking routines, and getting outfits together. Usually in a pageant it’s not just pretty dresses, but casual wear, talent, and evening gown. Opening speeches, and interviewing skills. As a nine-year old I was expected to sit in front of three strangers, and answer questions about myself, and the economy while being graceful. Stressful much?  I remember my eleventh birthday was not spent opening presents or celebrating, but more and more training for an upcoming and very expensive pageant that I was expected to do well in. It’s all pretty, and it’s all great until one little thing goes wrong. All this pressure you’ve stacked on a young person, the money, the outfits, the friends and family that are coming to watch…the pressure is enormous. A kid without a history of anxiety might develop it just from this. Quite literally, I would lose my shit at any given moment, and a lot of little beauty queens did backstage. You were surrounded by pretty girls competing to be the prettiest so that you could wear a crown. Even if you had a crown, you didn’t feel like the prettiest…there was always a bigger crown to go after with a new hair style, new approach, new outfit, new expectations, talents, or watching your weight.


I do have two main great things that I take away from pageants; public speaking and interview skills. I can talk in front of a crowd without ever really being nervous anymore, and I can interview without freaking out. Those are two amazing skills to have in a business world that I learned at a very young age. Those are REALISTIC skills to have in your back pocket.


With that being said, pageants are the furthest from realistic these days. They back their attacks with “we are a scholarship program” yet, you’re putting more time and money into these things than what the scholarship is worth. Oh yes, the fur coat, new cell phone, new car, diamonds and all must help that amount out, but you get those in your next year married to the pageant system. You don’t get a jump-start on your career, you get a makeover and a crown. I’m tired of seeing a swimsuit competition. I mean really? You win this “scholarship” because you have the best tan and abs!! Um, NO!! I’m tired of seeing thousand dollar gowns…aren’t you needing a scholarship for your education to begin with? Why not put that money into a few semesters of college instead of a gown?


What literally made my jaw drop the other day was to hear people criticize this Miss Colorado for going onstage in a nurse uniform. This chick has a wonderful career (why are you in this pageant again?) and wanted people to see that. Working your ass off for a career where someone’s life is literally right in front of you is a fucking talent. It’s a realistic talent. She was real. Instead, she was criticized because she wasn’t twirling around the stage, or singing, or throwing batons. I quote from Michelle Collins, “Talking about your job isn’t a talent.” So, my dad saving lives for over thirty years isn’t talent? I would love to see you get on an Ambulance, start in IV, deliver a baby, assess a patience’s needs as they are dying. So, the only talent that could ever be a talent is singing, or dancing, or acting I guess. I DONT FUCKING THINK SO. Everyone was born with a different gift, and our talent and purpose is to USE this gift. Miss Colorado was knocked because she was successful. She was not the idealistic Miss America…just a beauty queen.

Pageants taught me a few great skills that I will always be thankful for, and sometimes they really were fun. Pageants also taught me that I need to be better looking, have straighter teeth, prettier hair, more expensive dresses, and finally, after I thought I was done, pageants taught me that being successful is not to be valued, and is not lady like.


Heal Yourself. Save Yourself.

Happy Mountain Monday lovelies!! I’m so excited about this week mainly because I’m making big changes. After so many problems, you have to say “no more” and actually pick yourself up enough to make change.

I can’t even put into words how many medical problems I continuously have. Back pain, neck pain, chronic fatigue, severe anxiety, PH, watery eyes, skin issues…the list goes on. Anytime a new issue comes up, I can always go see a doctor who will prescribe me a pill which will cause a whole array of issues, and won’t really eliminate problems rather than cause more. See, that’s a huge problem with America. We continuously jump off into a world of investing in the pharmaceutical market which is not our best friend.

You see, the Government is not your friend either. I really hate to sound like a crazy conspiracy person, but until you understand that the Government makes money off of you, then you will be continually mislead, and pissed off. It makes more sense (for heartless people) to not release natural cures, natural remedies, herbs, and natural healing because it is more affordable. It does make more sense to chemically fuse things together to put into people’s bodies that isn’t natural that will cause other issues that will need more pills racking up huge costs that the government makes money off of. Big Brother makes money off of you being sick. They don’t care that your life is dragging, or suffering…you are a walking wad of money to them. It sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for my Adcirca. It’s helped so much, but if I knew about something natural that could do the same without headaches, nausea, red rashes, and blurring vision then I would totally take it.


I firmly believe that there is a cure for everything within nature. I also firmly believe that they do already have a cure for cancer and for a variety of other illnesses, but why would they release that to the public when they make so much money off of these poor patients? The cancer industry is big bucks to them! Everyone bitches about weed not being legal, and I’m one of those people too. Medical marijuana is a great thing. It doesn’t put you out of your mind, it doesn’t eliminate pain but rather than take the edge off, its safe, its effective, and its natural. It’s what the creator put here himself. “Why wouldn’t it be legal?” we scream to ourselves. Well, because Big Brother makes more money off alcoholics. The bars they go to, the money they spend, how they get sick, the treatment they will need…it all fits together. Big brother does not care about natural, herbal, or what is good for you. They chemically create food in a lab (rather than preparing it) and shoot it up with all kinds of chemicals so you will get addicted to horrible food. It’s not even food anymore, it’s a food like product. They want you to eat your heart out, become obese, require medical care for all sorts of problems. Big brother doesn’t even care about your safety, and now doesn’t even want companies to tell you what is going into your “food.” He cares about where the money is coming in from. It’s a harsh truth. All the Herbal or Natural doctors that just ended up poisoned? Questionable, isn’t it?


My big change? It starts with food. It’s amazing how incredible the body itself is, and how much it wants to heal. We are very powerful beings, and so are the bodies we were put in. They are not designed to be miserable, inactive, sore, and sedated. They naturally want to receive nutrients, burn fat, our bodies want to look healthy, and want us to feel healthy and function at one hundred percent. Our bodies want to have healthy skin, a healthy mind, and an active day. Our bodies are meant to work miracles. Instead, they are eating lab-created chemicals that our bodies don’t know what to do with. We put on more weight than we should, we don’t feel good, we’re storing toxins, we start dealing with illnesses that we eventually start taking pills for which causes more issues…its an infinitive circle effect. It all connects. This week, I invested in a juicer, and I stopped buying food at Walmart. Instead I’m buying vegetables from a local health store, wheat flour, natural sugar, natural chicken that I can cook, and it feels amazing so far! To give my money to local people who in turn help me live a healthy life!


I can’t wait to keep y’all updated on how difficult the juicing will be at first, and what I feel like two months from now. I’m expecting big changes, and I want my body to heal itself after helping it along. It will be difficult, it will be hard, but I can’t wait to feel like I’m not on the edge of death. I encourage not only everybody, but especially those with a disease to be juicing, and eating natural foods. Heal your body from the inside out, and put down the pills!!


Song of the week is Something in the Air by Thunderclap Newman. 🙂

Netflix Treasures.

Soo after some pretty serious posts lately that I knew was going to create quite the ruckus (and I could care less) let’s take things down a few levels with a bit more of a relaxed post. With the weather about to get cooler (at least where I live we’re almost into the 50’s already) we’ll be spending a little more time indoors. Hopefully that leads to more artistic adventures, cooking, re-decorating but then of course we become Netflix zombies. I see soooo many people asking what’s good to watch on Netflix right now so I decided to share some of my favorite little Netflix treasures.

Mona Lisa Smile


This is one of my most favorite movies in the world!! First of all, I love Julia Roberts. Second, this movie really captures the essence of the rise of feminism, what roles women were expected to play, and how badly women who didn’t want to play those roles were shamed. The art, teachings, attitude, and everything else about the film is just fantastic. Also Topher Grace is in it (Eric Forman from That 70s Show) and you’ve got to love him too!

Hungry For Change


One of the most excellent documentaries to only prove on how food is medicine. Our bodies were designed for greatness, and to be our friend not an enemy we have to fight. “We have become a society that is no longer eating food, but food like product.” If you are struggling with weight, eating, feeling like crap, or trying to find the right foods to grocery shop then THIS is a highly recommended documentary. I personally think every high school student should be forced to watch this. What a difference it could make in our societies health!

Rich Hill


What a great thing to have your older children watch, or students to show that not all families are living the same lifestyle. A very empowering documentary showing how most children in poverty (AKA A LOT OF THE COUNTRY) are being raised, with parents that are not paying attention, that are absent, and these kids are exposed to way too much in their life so early. While teaching, I experienced dealing with kids with a lot of emotional trauma that they reflected on me, but knowing what they were dealing with and what they were not taught showed me how to love them, and teach them correctly. This is a must see.

Side Effects


This movie will keep you on your toes! What a crazy movie centered on mental illness, lies, relationships and the scary side to the medical field! A great group of actors (oh Jude Law) deliver a great performance. For all you horn dogs, Channing Tatum is in it too!

Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown


This show is fascinating for those who want to see, travel, and learn more. What I love about Anthony Bourdain is he is not just a “food show” guy, but he shows the history, and lifestyle of these different places he is visiting. What a great thing to watch, not to mention his humor, and sarcasm is excellent. Also, you might crave exotic food the whole time you watch this show!

Stand By Me


What a classic!! Just a great movie watching kids be actual kids, go outdoors, and get themselves into trouble. Definitely a “coming of age” film almost in comparison to the “Sandlot” but with a bit more edge.



A suspenseful classic with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn! Let’s put down the whole Breakfast at Tiffany’s obsession for a while and expand our Audrey horizons. This is a bit of a weird flick with mystery, great fashion, actors, and a little bit of fright. A great movie to watch in the fall!

Well there is a lot more I could suggest, but I’ll just leave it there for now lovelies. Enjoy the change of the season, find some cute decor, watch some awesome movies, and enjoy life. 🙂


Christianity Lately Is a Problem.

Ohhh yes, it’s about to get hot up in here. Mainly because Christianity isn’t about Christ anymore, it’s just about being hateful.

Growing up in the bible belt, we went through our Church-going phases. Christianity was always present in my life, but never really forced. At fifteen, I got wrapped up in a church group, took it seriously, was baptized, taught Sunday school, and lived it day in and day out. Then after about seventeen, my views slowly started to change. After being diagnosed with stage four Pulmonary Hypertension, and having to deal with new bigger problems that I didn’t volunteer for, and being attacked by Christian groups, I REALLY started to become bitter.

I’ve tried the whole church thing so many times in my life, but it never felt quite right. The atmosphere, attitude of the people all just felt very “off.” I felt more like an investor in a business than I did a person coming to study. Church leaders would learn about my diagnosis, and would almost refuse to believe it saying I would be healed, and what not. When I asked about healing I was told “It’s all been recorded on a disk set that you can purchase in our shop.” Nothing was ever personal at hardly any of the churches I’ve attended (well maybe one) and when it was personal, I was also being “talked about.” Years later, here I am still taking my pills to relieve my symptoms from PH.

Having PH totally changed my future that I thought I was going to get. From day one I’ve always wanted a large family, and any person could tell you that I am all about kids, and want my own. PH pretty much destroyed that. A person with PH has an 85% mortality rate trying to carry a child, cannot take medication, the fetus is at high risk because it will be exposed to medication we need not to mention not receiving enough oxygen, and usually the mother dies from heart failure before delivery. Also, we can’t be on birth control because we already have a high risk of blood clotting, stroke, and heart attack. So we’re left with “good luck” and condoms which usually leads to the very hard decision to have an abortion. Most of these women having abortions are having them done with their husbands…the same women who are spending THOUSANDS of dollars to have a child through adoption and surrogacy. We are good people…yet Christians attack us with the label that we are “murderers” “horrible people” and “whores.” Hmmm, what good people you must be by labeling others. We didn’t choose our diagnosis, and we deserve access to safe and healthy abortions.

That’s where my fist major turn off is with Christians. They stand outside protesting things like gay marriage, homosexuality, and abortions like they are doing something good. Yet, if you crack your bible open further, it will tell you that all sins are looked at as the same by Christ himself.  Romans 3:23 For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Christians lately are all about protesting only a few sins, and ranking them. If you are going to stand outside and protest abortion, or gay marriage, then you DAMN WELL better be protesting those who gossip, or have premarital sex, or you better go stand outside of the bars protesting all the “horrid and sinful” people who are drinking, and lusting. YOU BETTER START MAKING ALL SINS EQUAL AS YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT THEY ARE. STOP PICKING AND CHOOSING WHICH ONES ARE WORSE. YOU ARE A SINNER. PUT YOUR SIGN DOWN, AND SIT DOWN.


Now this brings me to another huge problem; religious freedom. This crazy Kim Davis that is currently in jail for not issuing a same-sex marriage license is being praised by Christians everywhere. Christians continuously are bitching about how “everyone get’s to express their opinions but Christians aren’t allowed to, and we’re supposed to be accepting.” YOU DON’T GET AN OPINION BECAUSE IT IS FULL OF DISCRIMINATION AND HATE. YES, you are supposed to be accepting just as the Christ you are worshiping was accepting!! You only love those, and believe that Christians only should attain religious freedom. WE ALL DESERVE RELIGIOUS FREEDOM. Buddhists, Muslims, Christians, Native American’s, EVERYONE deserves religious freedom. You have to respect others. If your job requires you to hand out a same-sex marriage license, and you don’t want to then it’s time to find a new job. You cannot impose your beliefs onto others. They deserve freedom. We are not all Christians, and the more you continue to rank others sins, protest others sins, call people murderers, the MORE AND MORE PEOPLE WILL BE TURNED AWAY FROM CHRIST. You are a huge disappointment, and turn off to the Bible. You don’t get an opinion anymore because it is filled with HATE.


Christ gave people an option. CHRIST gave people an option, yet y’all little ol’ bible thumpers don’t give people an option. Everyone is just supposed to fall under what you believe in. Set people free, and do what your God has told you to do. LOVE OTHERS. RESPECT OTHERS. If you don’t like it, then walk away, and let people live their lives how they intend to. As far as I can see right now, Christianity is just another word for hate and oppression. Yikes.

Song of the week is Tiny Spark by Brendan Benson.