Emotionally Exhausted and Morally Bankrupt.

Sitting here after a wasteful three-hour nap, wide awake at midnight and staring into a damaging computer screen. All I can think is, “My cat is in the backyard.” She would usually be to the left of me, perched on the couch.

I’ve always been told that life is full of change, agreed to it, but never did I grasp it until these past few months. You expect change, you are told to get ready for it, but it hits like a title wave…and when you are left laying there wondering what the hell you are doing on the ground, you realize things changed. I love the quote along the lines of, “day-to-day it seems like nothing changes, but within a year everything is different.”

Lately, there has been so much change that I can’t get my bearings. I’m knocked down only to barely get to my knee’s, and catch a glimpse of another wave coming. At this point I’m “emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt”as the MASH 4077 would put it. I’ve had things thrown in my face that I shouldn’t have, people stripped from me, and I’m left to sit here in the dark and type about it. Isn’t this everyone at one point though?

For those who don’t follow me on social media, My childhood pet and first black cat, Fantasia, passed away on April the first. She was my first best friend who slept by my  head every night, licked my face until I fell asleep, listened to cries from a breakup…and she was such a fighter. The older, and unhealthier she got, she was still fast, sharp, and after she lost consciousness around 11:45pm, she should’ve died within minutes. She continued to fight off death until 2:06am. Losing Fantasia was in a way relief after how much her body was failing her. But burying her was like putting a final piece of my childhood, and support system into the ground. I only hope that the couple of hours her heart continued to beat, that her soul was still around somewhere, felt our hugs, and listened to our goodbyes.

tasia

Throughout our lives we will have to continually shed our skin, and adapt to change. It will knock the breath out of your failing or healthy lungs, bring you to your knee’s, and sometimes you just have to release an outcry of anger in reply. I’m tired of people acting as though my anger is abnormal, unexpected, and inappropriate. Anger is a human emotion; while it is not healthy to feel anger continually, it is okay to feel it and express it. Feel your anger and release it as you please. Stop condemning people, or treating them as though there are “issues” present, when really all that lays underneath that anger is humanity; a human response. Anger is natural. Let your anger be felt, and let others feel accepted.

I have every right to be angry. I’m stressed, I’m changing my lifestyle, and my normal. I’m losing a place of dance, and things that I love for change. I feel the daily strain on a body that I can’t fix, cant excel in the points that I want to, and doctors that want to restrain dreams. I’ve lost people who greatly had a grip on my heart, I feel betrayed, and watch best friends in my life take their last breaths and decide where they should be buried. Time will not heal my wounds, but create scars. Time will ease the intensity of change, and hopefully transform into peace. But until then…

I am angry. I am not insane, unhealthy, or “need to talk.” I am just human, dealing with human things. I am normal. Let me be angry. Let me be me.

-haley.

@haleyann92

Song of the Week is Blessa by Toro Y Moi.

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