Life With PH, Personal Life

Attitude Adjustments.

Attitude; Thats such a negative word to me. In fact, I just had discussions with some of my fifth grade girls, and how they are over loaded with it. I make them think that because they are growing up they need to learn how to drop this so-called attitude, but who am I kidding? It only gets worse with age sometimes.

This simple little moody word has a lot of power behind it. It’s a force of destruction, a glimmer of hope, and a knife in someone’s heart. When you step back, really look at yourself, and evaluate how you communicate with people you start to see that without actions, you’re left with your words only. Your ONLY communication. Your attitude; It can take a life of its own, and overpower you if it wants. What vibe are you giving off? How are you communicating? Whats overpowering you?

I’ve seen so much attitude lately that it completely blocks off any actual communication. People just don’t want to listen, they just want to be mad. They want to jam their words into people’s feeble ears, and make their points boldly. In return, you were never heard. I’ve seen humans with such bad attitudes that the oxygen in their nose is no longer beneficial because spiritually, and emotionally they just cant believe in themselves, or others. I’ve always said you had to drop barriers to let the good overcome you. Nothing will happen with a door shut. Drop it, open a door, and open your ears. Listening to others more than¬† you speak, being patient more than being forceful, looking for improvement rather than making points is so much more helpful.

Attitude; it can be a lifesaver. Literally. I had such a bad one about my disease. I really wanted to just exist within it rather than fight it. Developing, listening, improving really did change things. It changed my outlook, it changed my attitude. I became a teacher instead of a cop. I felt like instructing, and listening more than I did pointing out error. Some of us even had to make attitude adjustments about wearing our oxygen, me included. My attitude saved my life. Step back, and really evaluate yours this week. Is it worth changing? Because you are worth it.

Congrats to Karla, our contest winner! Thank you to everyone who submitted a “Hazel Grace” picture! They are all so beautiful. Our song of the week is So Many Details by Toro y Moi. Enjoy!



Life With PH, Personal Life

Happily Ever After.


So, the month of April and May have almost killed me. Not only am I physically trying to keep up, but mentally as well. Enough about those hardships! As I stroll through aisles of local stores, I’m starting to see graduation caps everywhere, and hearing my sister get her graduation stuff together just sends me into a flashback about what I was doing four years ago…I was probably serving burgers, and would be till around eleven o’clock at night. I was just as tired, just as stressed, and really had no idea what world I was about to enter into. I was lucky enough to be walking around yet even that was a task, and all these other seniors made it look so easy. Damn them. I just didn’t understand the difference in their bodies, and mine. Why they were lucky, and why I was breathless.

It’s a fascinating thought that from day one, we were born into a body; a body in which we’ve spent more time with than anyone else in our lives. We know the creases, age defying marks, bumps, and scars…we think we know everything. Truth is, we don’t. Our body makes attempts to communicate with us, and sometimes we listen subconsciously. Our body is really in itself its own being that we were put into, and it deserves its own upkeep. It’s really an amazing machine that we have to polish, wash, be gentle with, listen to, and treat right…even then it can still fall apart, and fool us.

I had no idea my heart was huge; no one did. I had no idea my lungs were decrepit, and formed wrong. I had no idea I had about the same internal age of a seventy year old…my own self didn’t know of these secrets. My body tried, no one listened, so I decided not to either. Four years ago when I was buying my graduation gown, when I was walking across that stage, all I could think was “I am tired, and I can not breathe.” I wasn’t thinking about college, scholarships didn’t cross my mind (who could think about that when there was so much sleep to be caught up on?), I wasn’t even thinking about how happy my teachers were that this cranky, almost failing, defiant student was finally exiting. I really didn’t want to think at all. I wanted to marry my then boyfriend, I wanted answers, and despite what answers I got I wanted to live happily ever after. My answers came a little over a month later along with needles, surgeries, swollen ankles, medication, and doctors. There was no ring, cute apartment, supportive guy, or amazing university. I still can’t look at a graduation cap because that’s how horrible that time was. I still can’t bear the thought of listening to “pomp and circumstance” because it throws me back to shattering dreams. Eventually my heart shrank, my medication worked, and after all the IV’s were pulled out and doctors stepped away, there was just me…still alive almost four years later, something they thought my body would never let me do. Happily Ever After.



PS- Song of the week is the amazing “Love Never Felt So Good”. I’m beyond impressed, MJ!! Also, new contest. Check it out under the contest tab!




Life With PH, Personal Life, PH Health

Trapped; Pulmonary Hypertension Awareness Day.

Ahhhh, we meet again. I am alive, I don’t know if I’m well, but finally I’m making a brief post. The past few weeks have not been easy. Working fifty plus hours a week, running marketing for a local youth group, and bouncing back from surgery leaves little to no free time or sanity. Thank you to those who were actually patient with me. On top of that I’ve been wrapping up my Lantos project that I did with the Pulmonary Hypertension Association, and now I’m getting ready for conference! I’m definitely excited to meet some of y’all there.

Moving on! Today is national Pulmonary Hypertension Awareness Day. As y’all know, I want you wearing your Haley Ann shirt (if you have one) if not, wear purple! Take a picture and email me, and you could be featured on here or my facebook page. I’ll also be instagraming it up! You can find those two social media sites below.


About a month ago at a doctor’s appointment, I expressed some mental concern to my doctor. My anxiety level is high, and is definitely reflecting in my physical body because my emotions are so high-strung. His reply was very dignified, and he said, “I think you are very stressed, and very in tune with your body, so lets relax and not assume the worst.” His words actually¬† helped, except one small detail. I’m not in tune with my body at all. In fact, I feel as though I’m always fighting it. I want to be free; free from pills, needles, surgeries, check ups, oxygen, and its weird not to be able to do that. It’s weird that your soul is stuck…inside a defective body. I mean, really. For me, its been nothing but a disaster from day one of my existence. I’ve battled bladder, lung, heart, spinal, nerves, skin, and just about anything else. I know a lot of people out there feel this way too, and I’m definitely not special. Two weeks ago I was checked for skin cancer, and all I could think was, “Really? Haven’t I paid my dues?” At some point you just have to throw your hands up, and surrender.lungsrosesI’m not saying surrender to death by any means, but surrender to acceptance. Accept that this body is so fragile, and so beyond flawed despite its miraculous existence. The best thing you can do is step away, slow life down, and make time to care for not only your defective body, but your amazing self. YOU. Not just the body you are trapped in.Pulmonary Hypertension is a big, incurable, full-time disease. I don’t just suffer from it May 5th. I’m a year round, lifetime guaranteed customer of it. Take this one day to support those people who are caught in a trap.


Song of the week! A much needed relaxing tune; So May It Secretly Begin by Pat Metheny