Silencing Thoughts.

I guess when you have been “up” for so long, the very second you realize you’re “down” for the first time in a while, it’s a hell of a fall, and it hurts.

Tonight was the first time my stomach shriveled into a little ball, and wanted to be anywhere but locked up inside this body. After hours of attempting to try on “summer” clothes, I gave up, storming out of the store with “workout” gear instead. I drove around for hours today trying to shake my body conscious thoughts, but I felt it eating my mind alive. Upon arriving at home with a salad, and new diet pills, I did some extensive research on getting published which is pretty much a road block for anyone who isn’t someone. Over, and over again I felt attacked by the repetitive negative feelings, and found myself held a prisoner. For the first time in months, the whole idea of suicide was once again dancing around in my mind. What a silencing thought.

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I honestly don’t know how we get to this point, or how powerful such negative emotions can be. It’s ridiculous that even when we feel happy, or positive, it almost never holds a candle to what negativity can do. The dark, the horrible, is just so destructive. What amazes me, and what is viciously dangerous, are people who can hide it. People who can swallow back the pain until they are so numb that they do not feel the effects of  a knife sliding across their wrist, a bullet going through their skull, or a noose snapping their neck. Thats what is scary, are the people who suffer in silence, and the people who don’t state the obvious for them. Suicide is not only terrifying for the individual going through the actions, but also for the friends or family who will be left standing to plan a funeral. What you are doing is vitally important.

Now, with that being said, no I am not fine, and no I am not okay. Eventually, I will be, but until then that is the dumbest question to ask. Your job is to show support to anyone who can’t be themselves because they hate who they are so much. Your job is not to say vague phrases, and hope that ignoring the harsh yet truthful words they need to hear will help. Your job is to not criticize, or judge. Your job is not to throw things in their face for them to “deal” with. Your job is not to make us feel different, or “special” in any way. We don’t know what makes us this way, we just now that we are this way and it hurts. Dont make us hurt anymore than we have to; help us heal.

-haley.

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2 thoughts on “Silencing Thoughts.

  1. We have never met yet I know you. I have felt pain similar to yours. Not the same because we are separate beings, yet we are made of the same star stuff so we can feel each others pain in a way that cannot be explained. You write so well. Your message about PH and the way it slams a person up against a wall is so important. My 3 year old granddaughter has PH. She is my heart and my very soul child, Call me, call me anytime, no kidding. 850 572 5413 Hey, yes I am old 68 by the way and a retired lawyer and recently ordained minister. My life has been up, down and all around. I send you love and peace. Maureen McGill

  2. Hi Haley, Hoping you are having some better days. Wow, emotional read- living with PH I can relate on some days, hugs coming your way and always here if ya need an ear, I have a daughter your age. Jen

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