Life has been a slew of weird events strung together in order to keep me happy. For a few months now I’ve merely been existing in an unidentifiable funk, and when people ask whats bugging me, I can’t even fathom what words to respond with. I clearly don’t know. Its been the weirdest time in my life, and keeping my mood afloat and in check has been quite the battle. I guess the only definition I have for myself is lost at the moment. Lost in the ridiculous, and overpowering waves of life that have been washing over my head for a long time now. Finally, I’m now realizing that I’m halfway drowned and far away from shore. Yet, I feel as though I’m exactly where I need to be. Is anyone else going through this?
At first I tried to look for happiness in all the wrong ways. Happiness to me was drowning out all the bad, and trying to brainwash myself into thinking that if I blocked anything and everything out that rocked me to the core, I would be fine. I would be fine if I kept ignoring the truth, if I put my blinders on and only focused on the “fluff.” Let me tell you right now, the fluff in life is fake. Its nothing but a mirage that in itself is evil because when you do figure out its fake, and that you thought you just might be fine, that fall will hurt worse than anything. The truth is sometimes ugly, but in the ugliest things I find a certain type of simple, and freeing beauty. Does that make sense? Yea I didn’t think so. I thought that by doing everything “perfect” in life I would find total happiness. What could go wrong? I’m going to church, I’m working a full-time job, I have money, I have “friends”, I mean seriously what am I missing? Taking a step back I realized that I was overworked, exhausted, spent more time sleeping than laughing, I was being lied to, I was bored, and I started to hate life. I entered a state of insanity, and forever I’ve been told that I’m just “dramatic”, “weird”, and “out of control” when in reality I was losing my mind. And now as I sit here in my cold room barely lit with my bedside lamp, I have a such an overpowering sense of clarity that has never graced my eyes or mind before. These emotions are awful. My own mind wants to turn against itself, and sometimes the thought of death is more comforting than waking up tomorrow and seeing the Texas sunrise. However, pulling myself out of these massively damaging thoughts, and feeling the relief when I no longer have the weight hanging around my neck is such an amazing sensation. To look back and see what I’ve gone through, what I’ve survived, and how bad things have gotten and continue to get, it’s just amazing. In the darkest bars I still meet the nicest and funniest people. To the most horrible songs, I have so much fun dancing with the weirdest people. In the darkest of times there is that one light and there is still beauty, and you will pull yourself through. Do not block out the bad because deep within the lousiest moments are the unexpected bursts of elated blessings that your protective “blinders” didn’t let you experience. Happiness is still existent, even in the weirdest places. You are your only judge of happiness, and I promise darling you are not too far from shore. You will not sink to the bottom, and complete black will not encompass your soul. Keep pushing to make it to that sunrise.
Life is beautiful. Keep fighting.
Check out the song of the week, Help Yourself by the one and only Amy Winehouse.