Juggling much emotional weight lately and my failing body I’ve been contemplating something us patients might be missing. Something we all struggle with, something we all at some point search for, and the only thing that can keep us going despite our life sustaining treatments…the will to live. I don’t exactly know where it’s at or how to find it, and that being the catch makes this post extra tricky.
First off, life is just tiring and of course I would have a disease that is accompanied with chronic fatigue. Half the time I really didn’t plan on falling asleep, but I laid down next to my cat and before I knew it suddenly it was dark outside. I don’t even realize it, but I am tired all the time. Not only is my body scavenging for any bit of energy it can find, but also oxygen because apparently I’m low on that too. I’m mentally tired y’all, and every last one of us reaches this hurdle. After so much going, and so much doing we can hardly keep up. We don’t want to make the last hurdle, and we don’t want to throw ourselves over it. We are tired. Where, if we are so consumed with exhaustion will we find the will to live? As much as I love to talk, and write not even I can answer this question. I’m not gonna type out some fancy thing that we can put on Pinterest to keep us going because the answer to this plaguing thought is unidentifiable. It’s one of those moving thoughts deep down that only we can uncover, and discover. However, I will say this. Pulmonary Hypertension has taken a lot from me. It took my financial freedom, it took my “future marriage”, it took my dream job, it took my body, it took my dad’s peace of mind, and it sucked all the oxygen out of my decrepit lungs. What did it leave? Anything? It left me. It left my loud mouth, my intense love for things that move me, my all around love for black, the countless kisses I have for Rocco, and my need for love and fun. Pulmonary Hypertension took so much of everything that what it did leave, it left for me to intensify. I’ve intensified my love for people, and my patience for their faults. I love to see them through their times. It intensified my want to have fun because quite frankly I don’t know what could happen to me. It intensified my view on life, and how truly beautiful it can be because I’ve seen death in places where it was not welcome, and how damaging it was. Pulmonary Hypertension intensified me, and within this intensity I’ve found my will to live. Sometimes I lose the fuel to this fire, and over and over it’s a challenge to re-discover it. But every time I do, I feel just how beautiful life can get. I never knew what beautiful felt like until I couldn’t catch my breath. There is beauty in this struggle.