I hate the holidays y’all. I don’t know what it is, but there is just something that changes in the air that makes me inconceivably sad, and moody.
I’m fine with Halloween, and after that it becomes a downhill slide of emotion. I can already feel them coming, and I’m doing my best to push forward. The demons haunting me lately are just the usual that always attack my self-image. My eating habits, and what not have just been so overwhelmingly ridiculous, and I’m tired of trying to fight to be skinny. PH doesn’t leave a lot of room for physical activity, so we have to manage how we eat, which is just fabulous. Anyway, self-image has been eating away at my body for so long, that if it were up to my mind, I would be as skinny if not more than I’ve ever wanted to be. It’s such a downhill drop.
It doesn’t take a lot of thinking to push me over the edge, but lately life has been one big frustration after the other. Dieting, money, school, work, the kids, Rocco’s health, and last night I found myself mentally dangling off a cliff. As y’all know I’ve dealt with self harm for so long now, and it truly takes a lot to pull yourself out of that hole. Most people look at it like we are attention seeking individuals, which is such a judgment. Most people who do it because of themselves hide it. I kept it very hidden for a long time because this is something I was fighting on my own, and didn’t want help. The long sleeves, thick watches, layered bracelets in order to keep it hidden from friends, family, co workers, and students was annoying, and I was at my wit’s end. Last night I ended up in front of my kitchen knifes contemplating. Why people self harm you might ask? It’s merely a distraction of pain. We are feeling emotionally stressed, and strained so we do whatever physical harm to distract ourselves to focus on an easily solvable physical pain. Physical pain requires a sometimes simple, and easy fix. Emotional pain is not as easy, you can’t just put a band-aid on it, or pop a pill. “Thats the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” -Augustus Waters The Fault in Our Stars. I contemplated for a while last night whether I was going to put yet another scar on my wrist, whether I was going to wear long sleeves the next couple of days, or whether I wanted to ride this downhill roller coaster once again. I called Rocco over, and we walked back to my room, and went to sleep.
You only can make the decision to get off the downhill roller coaster. You may not be where you want to be right now, but maybe in a year you will. Little daily steps have to be put in motion to go UP. I’m tired of being down. We go down much faster, and scarier, and the feeling in our stomachs is sickening. Going up, now that’s progress. You have a clearer view of the world around you, and its a little scary, but exciting. Right? Go up.
Isn’t that quote just lovely? An awesome reminder to participate in The Fault in Our Stars contest!! Go look under the contest tab to see how! FRIDAY a winner will be chosen! 🙂 Enjoy our song of the week, Chasing Pirates by Norah Jones.