I hope y’alls week has been good so far. This has been a highly emotional week for me because of changes in my personal life. It’s all just overwhelming but its life. Just letting y’all know that you have only TEN DAYS LEFT IN THE NAIL COMPETITION. Pleeeeeease enter so you have a chance to win a Just Breathe shirt and beauty prize pack! We have very few entries so at least try. 🙂
Moving onto a more serious subject, I’ve been thinking about personal relationships lately. What they mean to us as a patient and more importantly the other person that has to “deal” with us. I’m 21 years old so a lot of dating questions get thrown my way everyday. Your boyfriend must do this, you would be so cute with this person, how is dating going…blah blah blah. I’ve been single for a while now because I can just honestly say I’m picky and who wouldn’t be with what I have to deal with? The last person I dated knew me pre-diagnosis then had to “accept” me during and after my disease. He didn’t do well with the accepting part and that’s an understatement. My disease was weight on my shoulders and was something that clouded his thinking. Pulmonary Hypertension was parked right in the middle of our relationship. This wasn’t by choice but instead because of coping and I knew he didn’t accept me so why should I accept myself? He hated what my body and life was becoming and I could sense it. The relationship crumbled along with my mental status. What a gem he was…hahaha.
Now here I sit with Rocco at my side and a list on my bulletin board of everything I want in a man. I’m patiently waiting and hoping that someone out there maybe, just maybe will be able to accept me. And then it hit…I’m 21 years old. There is no one my age who needs or want someone like me. I am an old lady trapped in a young persons body. I am not concerned with parties, doing whatever I want, living with whoever I want, drugs and random guys. I dont have the physical, mental or moral energy and time for that. I’ve got to balance medical bills, insurance, money for college and my actual health. I can’t just look for any guy, I’ve got to look for someone who is chasing a great future because its going to take his and my salary to keep me alive. I’ve got to look for someone who is ok with my medical bills that have piled up and overall what my body is about to become. I will deteriorate and fall apart one day which is something I’m prepared for but Lord knows what he could think. Bottom line, I don’t blame people my age not finding my life style attractive, they deserve a young person. It hurts, not going to lie but its the truth.
But how do people and PH balance in a relationship? Well, from what I’ve observed and a few experiences here and there, PH is never the rock in the relationship. When you give a disease all the attention, the relationship will crumble under that light. There will be times when you need to vent about certain things, there will be times for doctor appointments and procedures and that’s all the time it should get. What if this is a new thing and they still have no clue about your disease or its limitations? This is never a “first date” conversation because that just sends people running. It’s not a second or a third date conversation either or an out of the blue conversation. This is a “when something comes up” conversation that could somehow play into your disease. A guy and I had been talking for almost a week and knew each other quite well except for this one big detail. He asked one night if I played any sports in high school and I calmly mentioned my disease, its limitations and I wasn’t able to play sports. immediately, he was overwhelmed by the info and wanted to know more so I very very very simply explained what PH is, what I do for it and how it affects my future. He didn’t get all the intimate details but he got the outlines for sure. I kept it SIMPLE, and that is key. From then on unless things got super serious he wouldve never known the intimate details, he wouldve only heard about my disease unless I landed myself in the hospital or something. Thats it…if he accepts it he does and if he doesn’t, well then that’s your answer with him.
I’m always so negative about this relationship stuff well because I’ve had nothing but negative guys. It sucks, its reality and I’ve tried and tried to improve myself. Sometimes I turn it back on me which strikes up an insecurity mindset that I’m battling but it’s not an easy cycle…people destroy you which you learn from. Then you start to destroy yourself.
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Enjoy the new song of the week! Disco Lady by Johnnie Taylor! The smooth sounds are relaxing and fun all at the same time.