Becoming Weightless

So as y’all know I took a short break from blogging and I’ve realized that in a way this blog is what I come running to as far as keeping my sanity.
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Lately I’ve been wanting a family of my own so badly to the point I feel as though I’m losing my mind. People tell me I’m crazy and I’m too young, and yes I may be young but I’m not crazy. Having my own family is not only a dream but its something I know I’m meant for. I’m already making plans for my children that don’t even exist yet because I want the best possible future and life for them. It’s definitely a passion that even thinking about makes me happy. But where did it start? Why in the world would someone my age want to raise children, be around children, start planning children and what not? It’s not just a happy side effect from sex, it’s literally about having the crazy miniature person that will eventually turn into an adult that I crave. I want my family, I want my child and I just want a chance at a happy life.

We all have families or at least people in our families that drive us insane. We joke about it around the holidays, we make sure people know what we’re about to be dealing with and it’s a form of bonding I guess. But to me it’s a lot more than just a joke. For some people that’s their lifestyle and it’s a struggle on top of an already life contaminating disease. Everyday is a PHight for people who have a disease. We have to wake up in the morning, gather the energy to stumble around (hopefully not pass out) and actually piece ourselves together for the real world. It sucks but it’s reality. Some of our situations are easier than others as well. I take around 10 pills a day while some are changing and cleaning a chest tube…others are waiting on a transplant. Our lives are beyond difficult. We deal with anger, attempting to be patient, stress from medical bills all the way to appointments and just plain exhaustion whether its physical or mental. We have issues, we know we have issues but we don’t need to be reminded of being an issue.
Relationships are an intricate task of balancing happiness and being realistic. Some of us can find that true happiness in those around us and it’s that part of us the becomes dependent. Their happiness is ours. Some relationships around us however are unhealthy, exhausting and send us into emotional turmoil. And what do we do when that’s family? Distance is your best friend in this situation. You can’t really ban them from your life and send them away forever. They’re woven into your genes, family events and functions. But you don’t always have to pick up the phone, attend or talk. Sometimes the cure for a bad relationship is barely one at all because in the end, what else do you need on top of this mountain of crap? And you, the family that can’t accept, be nice, play nice, screams, yells, calls us inconsiderate pieces of shit, reminds us of our faults and how terrible we are…man. I hope you know how strong you make us. Because you try to weigh us down when we already have so much else to carry. You will not succeed anymore, I am weightless.

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Am I perfect? Oh hell no. Am I a golden child? Never will be. I know my faults, I accept them. But I don’t need to constantly have them thrown my way. I do my best to move forward. I love people, my cats, my life in most ways and when it sucks I don’t need someone there to remind me I do. I cannot wait to have my children to support, encourage and enlighten them. It will be difficult, it will be the hardest job I’ve ever been given but I can already see how 100% worth it it’ll be. They will already have so much weight from so many other things in life, so why add more… like you’re doing?

-haley.

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6 thoughts on “Becoming Weightless

  1. My Dear Haley, I read your awesome posts each time they appear on my email. I live in Florida and that is probably far away from where you are. Please know, I care for you deeply and pray for you daily. My 3 year old granddaughter has PH. I provide some of her care so my daughter and son in law can work. Your desire for family is a blessing however, please check to see about your medications as some of them are potential harmful to a fetus that you may conceive. I am old and with age comes wisdom. I adopted a child many years ago. She is now 31 and has blessed me with 3 awesome grandsons. You can private email me anytime and perhaps we can dialog further on this issue. There are so many children in foster care throughout the US. I know I have worked in that field for 24 years. These children NEED you and people like you.

  2. Hey Haley Ann : well been carrying around your money order for two days ugh! Gonna put in mail but I have deleted your mailing address could you resend to me please-
    Thank you!
    Janet

  3. I’ve just recently discovered your blog and as a PH person of only 2 years it’s sometimes helpful to know that other folks are going through the same thoughts and feelings.

    I worked from the time I was 18 until 26 when I had my first child. When he was born I thought “this is why I’m here. I was born to be his mama.” When my second boy was born 18 months later everything was confirmed for me. These kiddos are my life’s work. I was perfectly happy being the room mom and making totally kick-ass cupcakes for their classes.

    Don’t let a person or a disease decide for you. You can do anything you want. I think you already know that.

    Thanks for being you and for helping me to start getting out of my “poor pitiful me” stage.

    xoxo,
    Stacy

    • Stacy,
      Thank you so much for the kind words and I’m so glad you discovered the blog. It helps so much to know people are out there that actually care and read. 🙂 I’m so glad that you have your boys, that is AWESOME. Thank you so much. And sometimes its ok to have those poor pitiful me days. 🙂
      -haley.

  4. Dear Haley,
    I really needed to read this quote about “toxic people.” I’ve always tried to be what everyone wanted me to be and I have a total type”A” personality. Just yesterday my therapist and I were discussing how I hadn’t talked to my dad in almost 2 years. From my earliest childhood memories he has never been there for me. I have given him chance after chance to be a “daddy.” I was asked by my therapist if I would regret this if he died. So I spent all last night thinking about this and talked to my mom. She and her father were not speaking when he passed. (Can you say dysfunctional??? Between her and my dad I have had 5 step-parents!) Reading this quote made me realize that I have the right to surround myself with people who support me and love me. I don’t “owe” anyone my time if they haven’t made time for me. I was diagnosed just a few months ago, my dad knows I am sick, and has not even called once. My relationship with him has always been precarious because he is an alcoholic and a mean drunk. My sisters make excuses for him, but I finally got tired of it. I just realized I have gotten this far without him. He brings me down. He makes me feel like crap. He laughs at my accomplishments. He is toxic, and I have things…like my health…that are way more important. On the humorous side, I have a plaque about writing that is the same as your other quote. Before I had to quit work, I was a teacher, and used that in my classroom. You are truly inspirational.
    Thanks,
    Brooke

    • Brooke,
      WOW I loved reading your comment. We are extremely similar! I understand where you are coming from with the parent thing. You try to give them chances, you get sucked back in and then you get burned. Its a similar situation with my mother and sister. I’ve often thought as well if I don’t see or talk to them, something happens, am I going to feel bad? It’ll be sad but no. Their actions and hurtful words are what got them the “no relationship” that exists today. You don’t owe anyone anything! If their actions are not positive, they need to go. It sucks because it is family but you will be so much better off. Because its better than being reminded of what a failure, angry, awful person you are all the time (or at least I get told that all the time). I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with it, its damaging and not fair to anyone. You need to focus on the people that love you and YOUR health! Family isn’t blood its the people that make you feel loved. I’m teaching right now till I get my degree and I love writing! 🙂 Thank you so much for the kind words. Please keep reading, staying in touch and I hope your health is going great!!
      -haley.

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