So as y’all know I took a short break from blogging and I’ve realized that in a way this blog is what I come running to as far as keeping my sanity.
Lately I’ve been wanting a family of my own so badly to the point I feel as though I’m losing my mind. People tell me I’m crazy and I’m too young, and yes I may be young but I’m not crazy. Having my own family is not only a dream but its something I know I’m meant for. I’m already making plans for my children that don’t even exist yet because I want the best possible future and life for them. It’s definitely a passion that even thinking about makes me happy. But where did it start? Why in the world would someone my age want to raise children, be around children, start planning children and what not? It’s not just a happy side effect from sex, it’s literally about having the crazy miniature person that will eventually turn into an adult that I crave. I want my family, I want my child and I just want a chance at a happy life.
We all have families or at least people in our families that drive us insane. We joke about it around the holidays, we make sure people know what we’re about to be dealing with and it’s a form of bonding I guess. But to me it’s a lot more than just a joke. For some people that’s their lifestyle and it’s a struggle on top of an already life contaminating disease. Everyday is a PHight for people who have a disease. We have to wake up in the morning, gather the energy to stumble around (hopefully not pass out) and actually piece ourselves together for the real world. It sucks but it’s reality. Some of our situations are easier than others as well. I take around 10 pills a day while some are changing and cleaning a chest tube…others are waiting on a transplant. Our lives are beyond difficult. We deal with anger, attempting to be patient, stress from medical bills all the way to appointments and just plain exhaustion whether its physical or mental. We have issues, we know we have issues but we don’t need to be reminded of being an issue.
Relationships are an intricate task of balancing happiness and being realistic. Some of us can find that true happiness in those around us and it’s that part of us the becomes dependent. Their happiness is ours. Some relationships around us however are unhealthy, exhausting and send us into emotional turmoil. And what do we do when that’s family? Distance is your best friend in this situation. You can’t really ban them from your life and send them away forever. They’re woven into your genes, family events and functions. But you don’t always have to pick up the phone, attend or talk. Sometimes the cure for a bad relationship is barely one at all because in the end, what else do you need on top of this mountain of crap? And you, the family that can’t accept, be nice, play nice, screams, yells, calls us inconsiderate pieces of shit, reminds us of our faults and how terrible we are…man. I hope you know how strong you make us. Because you try to weigh us down when we already have so much else to carry. You will not succeed anymore, I am weightless.
Am I perfect? Oh hell no. Am I a golden child? Never will be. I know my faults, I accept them. But I don’t need to constantly have them thrown my way. I do my best to move forward. I love people, my cats, my life in most ways and when it sucks I don’t need someone there to remind me I do. I cannot wait to have my children to support, encourage and enlighten them. It will be difficult, it will be the hardest job I’ve ever been given but I can already see how 100% worth it it’ll be. They will already have so much weight from so many other things in life, so why add more… like you’re doing?