Life With PH

Just Keep Moving

mondayOh my, it is definitely Monday. This weekend I slipped into a very dark place and got very emotionally worked up over ridiculous things that don’t deserve my tears or anger. But it happens anyway because I’m one of those human things. A lot of people struggle with depression, anxiety and things like so especially when you’re fighting something that you don’t even know if its worth fighting anymore. See that? That’s your mind playing tricks on you. Its starts to twist, turn and think and before you know it you’ve been blinded with completely false thoughts and you’ve fallen into a very dark place.

It happens to everyone. You’re not insane, troublesome or ridiculous. You’re breaking that’s all and you need to find something that will heal you very very quickly before that dark place becomes your home. I’ve always believed that a still mind, body and hands results in thinking and thinking gets me in trouble. Which is precisely why I’m never home and when I am, I’m creating, cleaning or writing. As you all know, I’ve struggled (and still do) with a type of anxiety and depression that comes and goes. It’s always lurking in the back, and if I don’t put up a pretty good fight, I find myself a mess. For a long time I truly believed that I was not meant to live and that being diagnosed with something this serious was simply an exit sign for me. I was cutting my wrists as a release of frustration and anxiety, I was stopping treatment and having panic attacks all the time. I had never felt more alone, worthless or just overall BLAH in my entire life. I don’t exactly know how I picked up the pieces but It started with therapy, art and writing quite honestly. Writing keeps me sane, so thank you for reading. Last month I definitely relapsed and yesterday had my first actual emotional breakdown/panic attack in a long time! It was just an overwhelming and awful experience to go through all over again and I thought, “I never thought I could ever hit rock bottom again.” Well truth is you can, especially If you haven’t been putting up as strong of a fight lately. I’m gaining weight which puts me back, missing my kids (from the school) and I’ve been hanging out alone at the house lately. Which all combined is a recipe for disaster. I don’t feel bad for myself at all because It’s a monster in which I have created and I need to once again fight. Saturday was my three-year anniversary of having this disease and my celebration plans turned into more of a “sit at home alone and ponder” type night. I wasn’t feeling very happy about living past my expiration date at all. See, there it goes again, those ridiculous thoughts.

Bottom line, I’m changing things this week. Out with the old, in with the everything that makes me happy, including people. People are SO important. You should constantly have your guard up because awful things can always creep back in. If you aren’t ready to fight then you’re going to be attacked, end of story. You should be ready. Surround yourself with people who actually care about you (its hard deciphering who those may be) , do things you love and most of all TALK to someone to get those thoughts out. Lesson learned? You’re never completely free of ridiculous and bad things. They will come back and you best be ready! Why? Because this is life.


P.S. Enter the competition, enter your Survivor Sunday story AND check out the most amazing song ever this week, Riverside by America! Absolutely OBSESSED.


2 thoughts on “Just Keep Moving”

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