I don’t know about y’all but I have been in such a Christmas mood. It hasn’t happened in a long time, but this year I’ve gone a tad insane. I have a Christmas playlist a million miles long (which consists of Charlie Brown, Michael Buble, Paul McCartney etc…) , I’ve watched White Christmas (Favorite holiday movie EVER), I’ve watched Christmas Vacation and now I’m kind of obsessed with the Nutcracker. I’m not like overboard, crazy obsessed but ballet has always been an amazing passion of mine.
I was enrolled into dance when I was extremely small and it was something my mom forced me into at the hopes that I would become less shy. It worked and I instantly took to it. I danced for years upon years and it became a part of my life, even though I complained the whole time. I participated in pageants (yes I was that girl), danced everywhere and placed as a first runner-up in Dallas out of one hundred and fifty talent girls and a thousand overall. Yes I’m proud, because while doing all this I could hardly breathe. I was in the gym two times a day (my mom wanted me extra fit for competition) and was in the studio five days a week. I was in the best shape of my life while not knowing that my heart and lungs were almost in the worst shape of my life. Somehow I was able to make it through extremely difficult dances for a long time, but I puffed on an inhaler and continued thinking that I wasn’t in shape enough.
I finally reached a point where I was exhausted, tired of dance and I physically couldn’t meet the needs of the dances. I watched younger girls come in and do it bigger and better and I didn’t understand why I had been doing it for years, yet suddenly my body was coming to a straight up halt. I threw in the towel at sixteen and walked away. Two years later I was diagnosed and it explained so much. My doctors told me I could’ve died during any performance or practice from making my heart work too hard. I have a crazy amount of damage to my body from dance itself (hip damage, tendons, my feet are insanely damaged) but despite its crazy athletic nature it was extremely peaceful.
As I look back on pictures, and watch different movies or ballets in person it just makes me very sad and almost hopeful that maybe I can get back into what I loved doing for such a long time. I love absolutely everything about the stage itself and performing! Maybe I can get back into teaching it as well. Its situations like this, where PH is silent, confusing and misleading. It took dance away from me temporarily and maybe I’ll take it right back one day. Don’t let the eye fool you. Never judge someone who is struggling, because sometimes you cannot typically “see” what is going on.