A Healing Wrist

So my loves, a new year is approaching which for some reason is causing me to want even MORE tattoos. I’m getting a black cat put on my side soon, but I was also thinking about a possible wrist tattoo to cover up some scarring. For a long time I suffered from “cutting” which has my left wrist looking a hot mess.

People hear cutting and they automatically think “emo” and suicidal ridiculousness. Unfortunately some people do this for attention purposes but others who really do question their existence are absolutely tortured. This is definitely a complicated and touchy subject that I don’t even know how to write about. My suicidal thoughts started in middle school, but I didn’t start cutting till I was 16. People think cutting is just some silly act, but its a process that takes working through to get over. I don’t know exactly where it starts, but for me cutting was almost a release of emotional tension. Things would build up to a point where I felt that cutting would make it better. It was a way to punish myself for all the things that were going on around me, because I’m the type of person where I felt like everything was my fault. Forever I hid cutting and finally my two best friends found out and were extremely supportive which started the healing process. And even though they were both so loving, they can’t actually fix everything which brought up the subject of therapy. Holy moly. My therapist was absolutely fantastic and still is! He taught me to change my thinking process and how to slowly stop the self-abuse and reasons to still stay alive. But he taught me how to do that for myself, not through him brain washing me.

I still havent got it all figured out, but I haven’t cut in two months which is great progress. People that suffer from suicide, cutting or anything related should not feel cut down or like they should be ashamed. It’s a horrific mental struggle and any little thing can set it off and you shouldn’t feel even worse about what you’re struggling with, nor should you be with people who make you feel worse. Finding a great therapist is the first step into the process. Something else that was extremely healing for me was Matthew 5:4 from the bible, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” which brings me back to the wrist tattoo – and that’s what it would be. That verse was extremely comforting and relatable in itself. To Write Love on Her Arms is another fantastic thing to read on, realizing that cutting, self-abuse and suicide is something that people actually need help with understanding, not only those who suffer from it but people who have others in their life who are suffering and how to help them. Whether it’s helping yourself or someone else, you play a vital role.

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This shirt I found is absolutely AMAZING which happens to be on the website. I think it’s a cool change from the original logo and I thought I would share how inspirational it is. Bottom line, these thoughts and actions do not make you crazy nor should you be ashamed. There is hope and you are loved. It’s a bad day (or couple of days) and not a bad life. Its been a long time to get past everything from getting diagnosed with a rare disease to a horrible breakup but I managed to put the knife down one day. I promise hope is alive, and you should stay that way too.

-haley

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My Fashion “Must Haves”

Hope y’all had a lovely Christmas!

In the next couple weeks I’ll be getting ready to go to Houston to visit my specialist and have a heart cath! Woo-hoo! The first one in a couple of years. Besides that fact, Houston always means hardcore shopping and I’m getting quite excited about my future fashion finds. Which got me thinking about my “must haves” that are in my closet. I have several different fashion books (3 by Nina Garcia, which are FANTASTIC and one by Lauren Conrad. All are great!). They always put in their must haves! So after ALOT of contemplating here are mine. πŸ™‚ Get excited.

JEANS

JEANS If jeans aren’t in your wardrobe, then you need to go back to your planet. These are a must have for anyone and no one certain kind is great for everyone. You are going to have to find the brand that works for you and your body! Also, pay attention to spandex in the jean itself. Because if you try on the jeans that fit perfectly in the dressing room, then after a day of wearing you have a saggy butt it’s because it probably has 2% or more spandex in it. Always make sure the pair fits skin-tight in the dressing room so it’ll feel just right after a couple wears. Unless its got 1%, then that’s going to take your own judgement in the dressing room. My perfect jeans are at American Eagle! I love their jeans, end of story. Skinny jeans are a must as well! If you’ve got a bigger build in the legs, watch out! If you want to wear skinnies make sure you’re wearing heals to make you look taller and thinner. Skinnies aren’t for everyone (me especially) so be careful. I own black and red skinnies! The best cut for me is a small flair which balances out the big thighs. Jeans are tricky that take time to get the hang of, which I’m still learning. So don’t expect to adapt overnight. And don’t think that a ridiculous amount of money and glitter on your ass will make you look fabulous in them either!

V-NECKS

VNECKI love them. They go several different ways in a wardrobe, dressing them up or down. I found comfortable ones at Old Navy as well as Urban Outfitters. Don’t pay a ridiculous amount of money either, because a plain white guy v-neck found at the store can work just a good! Bottom line, these are an inexpensive must.

CARDIGANS

CARDIGANColors, patterns, accessories, studs, stripes…these can amp up any outfit or plain tee. And if your medication is causing a burning red flare up on your arms, these cover it amazingly well. πŸ˜‰ Cardigans can be classy, edgy or fattening, so watch out. They’re all a bit different so always try them on seeing as how there are different types of fits. They should never make you look bigger than you actually are…unless your weird self is into that sort of thing.

GRAPHIC TEE

graphicteeOh good heavens, let’s get this point across right now. When I say graphic tee I’m not talking about a tacky foul-mouthed bunny, mickey mouse or a print that TRIES to make people laugh. I’m talking about a LEGIT graphic tee because the point of these are to show your interest not your IQ. Be very picky and careful to find a graphic tee that’s worth a crap. I don’t suggest the grocery store but rather Urban Outfitters, Forever 21 and stores like so. Graphic Tee’s are one way to look ultra stupid ultra fast.

OUTERWEAR

jacketOh, jackets! I don’t have enough and there isn’t a lot of opportunity to wear them in Texas. But jackets are amazing, comfy and cover those rolls up! For me anyways. My favorite types are of course the bomber jackets and the Michael Jackson jackets. They are trending, classy and edgy. Go get one, NOW.

MAXI DRESSES

MaxiAs discussed in “Fat Ankle Fashion” you know exactly why these are must. They are flattering and are offered in a crazy amount of styles. Chunky arms? Throw a cardigan over it and call it good.

“FLOWY” TOPS

FLOWYThese are my favorite, but are also an enemy. These can cover you up but almost a little too much to the point of making you look MUCH bigger. I’ve bought a ton only to have my best friend say “throw it out!” cause they did me no justice. Always try them on WITH a friend there to judge because either they are classy and beautiful or “cute” and oversized. Watch out.

BOOTS

docsBoots can be any kind you prefer,Β  obviously. I’m hooked on Doc’s right now (Doc Martens as pictured), and are great with not only jeans and skinny’s but a dress and skirts! Take your time looking at a variety because boots are fantastic and cover up those swollen medicated ankles. MOVING ON!

HEELS

heelsThere are no words. Heels are perfection, and if you don’t own any then you are just further away from achieving perfection. That was a tad harsh…go buy some heels anyway.

POINTY TOE FLATS

FLATSI say pointy toe because they elongate the leg and make you look a bit skinnier. I’ve tried the rounded toe, which isn’t bad but I love the pointed toe. Do the pointed toe a little more often. Just sayin’!

LEOPARD SOCKS

SOCKSI say leopard because that’s how it should be. πŸ˜‰ These are a perfect adjustment to dull surgery socks, as well as keeping your coumadin medicated self warm. Fashionably warm, that is.

SAGGY HAT

HatThe only kind of hats that I look somewhat decent in and will ever own. They are perfect for snowy days and to have relaxed curls showing beneath it.

A GOOD BAG

BAGThis is one of the best bags I’ve ever owned. A good-looking purse is actually important because it’s a daily companion. If it looks like crap, then you look like crap. End of story. I’m a big believer in good-looking purses, but that doesn’t require running out and buy a $500 Michael Kors bag. A perfect place to find a great bag for a lower price is Urban Outfitters, Dillards and TJ Max.

PILL CASE

PILL CASEThis would be something to throw into your great looking bag. πŸ˜‰ The best pill case I’ve ever owned (and sadly lost) would be by Vera Bradley who stupidly doesn’t make them anymore. I’m picky about the prints, but finding one you loved and having the labeled plastic boxes on the inside makes in cute and perfect! Go get one, NOW! But that requires getting on Ebay. Good luck loves.

This is all basic and random, but all are equally important. I hope this gives you a new outlook on different key elements of fashion which im still trying to discover and learn for myself. I’m ridiculously excited for my trip and to overload my closet even more than it already is.

-haley.

Merry Texas Christmas

christmas

So its been ten years since I’ve posted, and I’m sorry about that! Finally the kids are out of school, MY schooling is done for the semester and I can finally just lay in bed and play dead. It’s about time! It feels absolutely great to be able to do nothing, and on top of this my brother and his wife surprised me by coming into town! I am super content.

I just wanted to wish all of my readers a “Merry Texas Christmas Y’all!!” πŸ™‚ Enjoy your holidays, don’t let the family drive you insane and don’t forget your pills and oxygen. πŸ˜‰

-haley.

Follow Haley on Instagram halynn92

Break The Ties

IV

 

Randomly this past week I’ve heard through two mutual friends of someone they know getting diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension (which blows my mind), then someone posted a discussion question of what would you say to a newly diagnosed person with this disease? I had no idea what to even think about this and it took about a week, mainly because I still don’t know how to talk about the disease without feeling somewhat awkward. When I was first diagnosed I was so all over the place and had no comprehension hardly of what they were telling me or what I was about to become. I easily understood what was wrong with my body, but I guess I just didn’t get how serious it was.

So let me re-phrase this, I had no comprehension of what MY BODY was about to become, not myself. I had a hard time separating my body from my self-worth for a long time and still do which is the main problem people with a diagnosis of whatever are struggling with. In this society its hard not to see your self-worth attached to your body in some way. We all think that if our hair looks like this, our face like this, and our weight is low then we have a high view of ourselves in our minds. When a doctor sits in front of your face and tells you that you’re dying, its hard not to feel worthless. Mentally accepting and dealing with a disease is hard mainly because you see yourself as a dysfunctional body. You’re tied to high blood pressure, a bad heart or lungs or whatever it might be, and you begin to label yourself like this. You are not a dysfunctional pair of lungs. You are a person who has a disease and you may or may not choose to fight it. You are still you despite what your body chooses to be.

Newly diagnosed? All I have to say is know who you still are but be very aware of what your BODY is about to become. Your body is now a pin-cushion, tester for treatment, oxygen therapy, pill popping machine. Take it seriously. BUT YOU are still a person who enjoys all of those hobbies, songs, color schemes, kittens and funny photos. You are not a body. You have a body and you are a soul.

-haley.

A Deadly Passion

It’s DECEMBER!!

I don’t know about y’all but I have been in such a Christmas mood. It hasn’t happened in a long time, but this year I’ve gone a tad insane. I have a Christmas playlist a million miles long (which consists of Charlie Brown, Michael Buble, Paul McCartney etc…) , I’ve watched White Christmas (Favorite holiday movie EVER), I’ve watched Christmas Vacation and now I’m kind of obsessed with the Nutcracker. I’m not like overboard, crazy obsessed but ballet has always been an amazing passion of mine.

Ballet

I was enrolled into dance when I was extremely small and it was something my mom forced me into at the hopes that I would become less shy. It worked and I instantly took to it. I danced for years upon years and it became a part of my life, even though I complained the whole time. I participated in pageants (yes I was that girl), danced everywhere and placed as a first runner-up in Dallas out of one hundred and fifty talent girls and a thousand overall. Yes I’m proud, because while doing all this I could hardly breathe. I was in the gym two times a day (my mom wanted me extra fit for competition) and was in the studio five days a week. I was in the best shape of my life while not knowing that my heart and lungs were almost in the worst shape of my life. Somehow I was able to make it through extremely difficult dances for a long time, but I puffed on an inhaler and continued thinking that I wasn’t in shape enough.

Ballet

I finally reached a point where I was exhausted, tired of dance and I physically couldn’t meet the needs of the dances. I watched younger girls come in and do it bigger and better and I didn’t understand why I had been doing it for years, yet suddenly my body was coming to a straight up halt. I threw in the towel at sixteen and walked away. Two years later I was diagnosed and it explained so much. My doctors told me I could’ve died during any performance or practice from making my heart work too hard. I have a crazy amount of damage to my body from dance itself (hip damage, tendons, my feet are insanely damaged) but despite its crazy athletic nature it was extremely peaceful.

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As I look back on pictures, and watch different movies or ballets in person it just makes me very sad and almost hopeful that maybe I can get back into what I loved doing for such a long time. I love absolutely everything about the stage itself and performing! Maybe I can get back into teaching it as well. Its situations like this, where PH is silent, confusing and misleading. It took dance away from me temporarily and maybe I’ll take it right back one day. Don’t let the eye fool you. Never judge someone who is struggling, because sometimes you cannot typically “see” what is going on.

Shoes