You’ll Grow In My Heart

Sneezy nose, body aches, and chills…I think I’m getting sick since I’m back to spending most of my day with kiddos, and all kinds of germs! Despite the whining, screaming, and dealing with sickness all the time I am absolutely in LOVE with my job. It’s amazing to watch teachers that teach from the heart and others who are there to collect their paycheck. I’m sorry, if you don’t love kids get the HECK out of this profession. I have always had a soft spot for kids, I absolutely love them, and for a long time have looked forward to the days when I can show off my baby bump as well as my moody teenagers. Having Pulmonary Hypertension has definitely put a dent in this dream.

Going to work is a daily mental battle for me. Most people think that dealing with PH only happens when you’re in a hospital. WRONG. The littlest things set it off. For a long time now I’ve wanted children of my own. I know what I want, and I know what is right for me.

I’ve always had my mind set on four kids, and still do if its possible. One of the questions I asked right after I got diagnosed was, “Can I get pregnant?” When the doctor told me the mortality rate was around 85% for women who try to carry with PH I was absolutely heartbroken. I was going to be one of “those girls” going through the adoption process for years, getting turned down left and right, and spending thousands of dollars. I wanted my baby bump, to know what it felt like to have my own, and I did not understand (and still don’t) why this disease kept taking things from me. Working with kids, I treat them like my own because in a way I feel like its the only chance I’m going to have to connect with a child and take care of them. It’s very hard to let go for the summer and watch them grow up. I got SO attached to my class from last year (it was my first year of teaching) and actually cried the first two days of this week watching them go to their different classes. I get very emotional when they show improvement too.

Having kids is just a touchy subject. I dated a guy for a very long time, and when his sister in law got pregnant it was very hard to cope with. I was truly happy for her, but being around pregnant friends in general, I have to lock up my green eyed jealous monster with a smile. He did not understand how worthless it made me feel knowing I couldn’t do that, especially when he played with his nephew. I realized he wasn’t trying to make me feel worthless at all he was enjoying his family, but with those unresolved emotions it can just bring up the sadness all over again. And when someone doesn’t understand that or support you, that’s even worse. Walk away from that person immediately.

I found this lovely picture on Pinterest about adoption that says “You grew in my heart instead of my tummy” and that made me so happy. I’ve watched a good friend raise her adopted daughter who is just wonderfully cute, and completes their family perfectly. My mind is slowly starting to accept adoption, and I’ve talked to my doctor about surrogacy when the time is right. If you are going through this as a young woman, or have gone through this, I feel for you. You don’t understand until you’re going through it yourself, and its amazing the little things that set it off. I love my pregnant friends dearly, as well as their children but I definitely avoid the hospital gift shop with it being covered in pink and blue “welcome to the world” crap. I always take a friend with me when visiting friends who just delivered in the hospital, so someone can take the breakdown I have when we leave that floor. Therapy helps so much in so many ways! One day this wont be as big of a demon to fight, but for right now its one of the biggest. I will get through it someday and so will you. Explore your options, talk to your doctors, support your pregnant friends and talk to someone. For me its been the only way to somewhat heal.

-haley

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2 thoughts on “You’ll Grow In My Heart

  1. Haley, someday you WILL be an awesome mother! I can already see that in you, if you have to adopt or have a surrogacy, it will happen and you WILL find a man that understands and supports you all the way and who loves you no matter what. God made you that way you are for a reason. Without you, a lot of people wouldn’t know anything about PH, I know I’ve never heard of it before you. I know it must be truly heartbreaking to never know the felling of being pregnant. Also, though look at some of the bright sides, you won’t get stretch marks and you’ll still have your pretty figure and after you get your baby you won’t be so dead tired and in pain to take care of him/her. Like I told you before, I wouldn’t let myself get attached to Liam while I was pregnant with him since what I had to go thru and with the surgery it was a great chance of misscarage… I was scared to death the whole time I was pregnant just wondering if the MRI and all the medicine I had to take with the surgery and after would affect him. I remember the nurse saying ” you know your baby could have missing limbs or health problems after have an MRI, especially since we are scanning your stomatch.” I thought I was going to die then and I cried the whole time I had the MRI. I’m not saying it wasn’t worth it because it was but just trying to let you understand that being pregnant can be scary when things don’t go perfectly like they do for most people. I love Liam to death but I also think I could love another baby just as much as I love him. I know I can’t really compare cats to babies but look how much you love your cats and how you take care of them, you didn’t have them, you adopted them, and they ARE your babies so just think of how much love you would have for a REAL baby. Also, just know you are NOT alone, look at G from E News an Fashion Police and what all she has went thru and she just now finally got her baby. It WILL happen and you WILL be happy when everything falls into place and that will have someday, you are still young and have plenty of time to find someone great and have all those things that you deserve. If you ever need me you know you I’ll be there! You’re my little Texas sister 🙂 just gotta rub my southern accent off on you some more haha 😉

  2. Haley, just have to say this post spoke straight to my heart as its exactly how I feel. but i have so much hope that the struggle to have children will help love and appreciate them so much more when we do have them. It is so hard to uderstand and cope with that one of the things that I wanted most in my life having children that dream has been changed and will be a lot more difficult. It makes me jealous and really frustrated sometimes when I meet/see people who take getting pregnant and having children for granted.

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