My Adcirca “Review.”

After giving much in-depth explaining on what PH is, and how we find it, I thought I would now talk about my treatment. Pulmonary Hypertension is usually first treated by a very generic version of Viagra called Revatio if Doctors think it’s even a possibility. A lot of patients actually stop reacting to it very quickly, so most doctors just skip over the whole “Revatio” option to begin with. That brings us to more high-tech, crazy strong vasodilators and other medications to keep the blood vessels dilated so we can breathe. If that doesn’t work, they might try an inhalable solution, or finally be put on a IV Remodulin Pump that is comparable to a diabetic’s pump. If the Remodulin doesn’t change things then heart and lung transplant options are discussed.

So, because my body miraculously reacted to medication, I don’t know much about experiences with the other treatments. Therefore, I would love to give a little medication “review” on what my treatment does for me.


I was put on Adcirca and Norvasc almost six months after my diagnosis. We tried Revatio at first, which failed, and then they discovered I reacted to the others beautifully. These are very high-powered vasodilators allowing me to breathe, but causing all sorts of other issues throughout the body. My first year on Adcirca and Norvasc was absolute hell. The swelling was the first to hit. I began to notice that my feet would ache, and feel “tight.” When I looked down I didn’t even recognize my feet at the start of this swelling “adventure.” Over the next couple of months it just “grew” to be worse. My feet would swell around my shoes only permitting me to wear these open type of moccasins. The pitting edema was so bad that you could push into my feet like memory foam, and the fingerprint would remain. Not only was this extremely ugly (for an eighteen year old I thought it was the end of the world), but this was very painful. Finally, like magic, I woke up with skinny ankles, and the swelling initiation disappeared.

…Until the warm red patches started. It started in my knee’s with an extremely hot sensation. When I took my pants off, I noticed that I had a straight red line right above my knee’s, and continued right below them. It literally look like someone took a red marker to my legs, and on top of that I, myself, wasn’t warm, but my knee’s were probably a thousand degrees. I would seriously make my co-workers feel them just to make sure I wasn’t going insane. From my knees, the red sensation moved to the back of my arms, and my face which is now where it currently sits from time to time. What’s so strange is that I am physically cold, and want to cover up, but my skin is on fire. If I’m in the sun, or if my body temperature elevates, then the red patches strike! On top of the red insanity – I already have rosacea in my face. When you put this Adcirca rash over it, I look INSANE. This is why my makeup is so sacred, and is like an art to me. I have a lot of uncomfortable, and not so cute things to cover up due to medication, my natural face, and skin damage.


For those of you suffering from “Adcirca face” I recommend a green concealer that eliminates redness! LA Girl Pro Conceal has been my absolute favorite to use so far, and yes, it’s very affordable at only $5. Use a sponge, or a brush to even the green out over the red area and you will notice how it “tones” it down. No, this isn’t a magic wand so you will still have some red. On a bad day, I recommend using it underneath foundation, and again over the foundation if need be.


On top of the redness, Adcirca, for me, causes a lot of pain. If I ever skip a dose, then start again it’s almost like having the flu. Adcirca dilates all the blood vessels in the body – not just the lungs (kind of like how chemo kills everything – not just the cancer) therefore the skin turns red, and the vessels in even your eyes, and head are dilated too. When that happens an extreme headache follows, and for me body aches and chills. Also, my eye doctor told me that Adcirca has pretty much destroyed my vision. Every year I go we have to check on my eye pressures, and anyone around me knows I can’t see shit.

Overall, Adcirca does the job, and as long as I’m consistent the troubles will be few depending on how it wants to act up. I however wish we could find something that could cooperate with our bodies just a little more, and maybe just maybe an actual cure. ;) Have a lovely Sunday! Check out the “Song of the Week” to flashback to a very uplifting tune, and also check out the Facebook for the NEW T-SHIRTS!!



Textbook Breakdown Part 2: Diagnosis.

So, yesterday we covered what Pulmonary Hypertension is in itself. Now today we’re moving onto how we find PH, and who has it. If you missed yesterdays post, then click here to share or read it.

So, since Pulmonary Hypertension is happening in the lungs itself affecting the heart and internal organs, it’s not affecting much of what happens on the outside of this person. In fact, most Pulmonary Hypertension patients are young; kids, babies, teenagers, young adults, you name it. Anyone could be born with Pulmonary Hypertension. Basically, Pulmonary Hypertension hides behind a mask of youth, or “normal.”

Someone may be born with Pulmonary Hypertension, and take years to finally show it. They could be like me, attending public school, participating in physical activities, then one day feel a very unusual and horrid pain all over, and lose consciousness. Most people would either ignore it, or think they had an asthma attack. Even if this young patient was attended to by medical care in a hospital, or doctors office they would never do an EKG (checking heart rhythms) an oxygen test, or chest x-ray…why? Because why in the world would we check a very young person’s heart when they just got tired, and collapsed? When people ask why we collapsed, we tend to only be able to answer that we couldn’t breathe. People generalize those symptoms down into something like asthma. PH doesn’t have a disease appearance because it’s all internal therefore just about every person does not take the person’s symptoms seriously. A PH patient begins to think they might be crazy, are out of shape, and need to learn to keep up. Maybe they’re told that they have an anxiety disorder, or something. Basically, it is very very very rare for anyone to listen to someone suffering from PH because they can’t “see it.”

So what happens after being ignored for so long? The pressure in the heart, and lungs begins to mount and the patient begins to get worse. Not being able to walk, fainting with any physical exertion, and the downfall of their quality of life. Yes, this will even happen to kids. Pulmonary Hypertension patients can die at any time for a variety of things; blood clots, an arteries bursting, their heart rhythm becoming too chaotic, and finally their heart just stopping. If a PH patient is not taken seriously by medical professionals in time, their chances of dying increase every day.


So what happens when a patient is actually taken seriously, and what does it take for a doctor to find PH? An EKG, and a simple oxygen saturation test should at least show some concern with a weird rhythm presenting a conduction delay, or showing the right side of the heart is working too hard. The oxygen levels should also be low. A chest x-ray, or echo should show that the heart is over sized which a normal physician would immediately want a heart catheterization done. A heart catheterization is where they insert a catheter in the femoral artery (or a vein in the neck) and move it all the way into the heart. From there using fluoroscopy (a moving xray) they can view the actual heart itself to make sure it was formed right. Then they can measure the pressures, and actually see how the heart is pumping so they get an idea of what is wrong. If the heart is formed normally, but is still working so hard to the point of failure then that tells the doctor that the pressure is coming from the lungs…Pulmonary Hypertension.

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Processed with VSCOcam with b1 preset

At this point the doctor would finish the surgery, and would contact the closest Pulmonary Hypertension Specialist, or Pulmonologist to start treating the patient immediately. Depending on how high pressures are, and what shape the patient’s organs are in, the doctor would now notify the family of the terminal diagnosis, and then the patient with a very grim life expectancy.

What now? Tomorrow we will dive into treatment.



Textbook Breakdown Series. Part One: PH Itself.

Okay loves this first week in November for Pulmonary Hypertension awareness month I wanted to do an entire cohesive series on the first steps to understanding PH to share with your loved ones,and to help everyone understand just a little better! Each day I will post information about PH breaking down the disease, diagnoses, treatment, and other things about PH that make it hard for others to understand. Here we go!


So, to start with PH, we have to start from the very beginning; the disease itself. What is Pulmonary Hypertension? Not all the other things that come with it, but the actual disease itself in our bodies. Pulmonary Hypertension is first off, a lung disease that affects many many other things. Where is the “disease” or problem at? In the arteries of the lungs (the pulmonary arteries.) What is wrong with these arteries? Well, they are extremely small, and not large and open like they should be. Why is this a bad thing? Because these arteries carry blood, and oxygenated blood to a major part of our body (the heart) to be pumped out to the rest of our body. Think about trying to move an entire high school class down a very narrow hallway. Imagine that you have to get them through super fast, and in the exact same amount of time that it would take them to move through a very large hallway. Is that possible? Absolutely not, because this class is cramped; they simply cannot move as fast as they originally could in a large hallway. So, these arteries in our lungs cannot get blood, and oxygenated blood where they need to in time, because basically, its small, and cramped in there.

IMG_2467“IPAH” meaning Idiopathic Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension AKA fancy words for PH.

So, here is where it gets a little complicated. If oxygen can’t get where it needs to in time, how does it affect the body? We need oxygen to stay alive, and to literally do everything. If our brain doesn’t receive oxygen then it can’t send out signals to the rest of the body. It literally can’t even stay on, so it would shut itself off (AKA Black out.) Also, guess what else is not receiving oxygen? Your whole body; therefore your arms, legs, muscles anywhere feel like they’re cramping up. A person would literally hurt all over, especially in the chest, would eventually lose consciousness, and stop breathing if the oxygen supply continues to be cut off.


So, I think we all understand that we have to have oxygen. Now because the heart is the one doing all this pumping, Pulmonary Hypertension directly affects the heart. This organ is the one responsible getting this blood through a very “crowded hallway” or the pulmonary arteries that are tiny. It can’t possibly get this oxygenated blood how fast that the body needs the blood, therefore its receiving signals saying that the whole body is hurting, the brain feels dizzy, and even the heart begins to suffer. What does it do with all this pressure mounting? It picks up the crappy lung’s slack, and works even harder hoping the blood will get through faster. This may get the body by for a while, but what happens when you start working a muscle hard? It grows…just like your biceps would. Is it good for your heart to grow? That may be good for the Grinch, but it’s not okay with anyone else. With your heart growing bigger, it gets tired, the pressure in the heart itself gets higher and higher. Eventually, the heart would start slacking on all its jobs, and then one day just stop; that is heart failure.

PH Heart

A Pulmonary Hypertension patient’s heart most of the time is formed perfectly. There is nothing wrong with the heart, until the lungs come along causing pressure in the lungs, therefore putting pressure on the heart. That by definition is Pulmonary Hypertension (Aka high pressure in the lungs.) Pulmonary Hypertension is a domino game of disease when it comes to the body because eventually all organs become affected, and fall victim to this disease.

There are different types of PH? Yes. Idiopathic, and secondary. Idiopathic means “of no known origin.” There is not something causing the Pulmonary Hypertension in this patient’s body other than they were born with it. A secondary PH patient means they have this disease, or developed PH because of something else.


Soo, who is PH affecting, and where do we go from here? Then check back tomorrow with my diagnosis breakdown. ;) I hope this breakdown of Pulmonary Hypertension helps you understand this disease a little better!



I Just Might Be Done Talking.

So today marks both Pulmonary Hypertension Awareness Month AND Native American Heritage month. If you’re me then you know November already sounds exhausting. Living with a disease can wear you out seeing as how it sucks the life out of your body. However, I think what is more exhausting are the people who refuse to learn, expand their minds, and actually start acknowledging such invisible diseases. Like, truly acknowledge.

A lot of you know that I somewhat retired from writing about PH simply because I felt I had fulfilled my duty. I literally had nothing else, and no inspiration left when it came to writing. When I accepted the PHA’s Young Adult Citizen award it all just somewhat felt complete, and I wanted to begin tackling other issues. To this day when I get inspired to write about PH I feel as though just the keyboard gets heavier. I honestly just feel as though when I talk about my disease to others that I’m holding conversation with a mannequin.

In today’s world we exist on terms with a sense of entitlement. If anyone gets offended by anything then it’s in our Newsfeed Facebook Trending Topics section, and everyone in the comments is participating in a keyboard war. I also feel that because of dangerous things that keep unfolding in America because of times progressing that we are all in a state of mind called “survival” and “worry about me, and my point of views only.” At least it seems that way. Most people are not shocked to find out that I am extremely democratic, and liberal. However when you say that you get called a “liberal dumbass, needy bitch, living off the government” and what ever else people can throw in your face. I get it, its political views which you are not supposed to discuss. While I may support liberal standpoints, I overall just kind of want to start a campaign that’s called, “Educate people, and let them make their own life decisions.” I guess you could say that’s what I stand for.


So, why am I talking about politics when I started off with Pulmonary Hypertension, and Native American Heritage Awareness? Because these months in my eyes are almost useless. Don’t get offended, I still do everything I can. But so many people do not listen, and do not want to listen these days. When we say, “I have a rare disease, and I almost died because there wasn’t enough awareness” people will respond with, “Oh, wow.” You really can’t shock people with the facts anymore. But they kind of don’t want your story clogging their newsfeed, instagram, and don’t want to make time for you on published articles. When you try to educate people on why you believe in Pro-choice for the safety of Pulmonary Hypertension patients who are women who cannot carry a child, or be on birth control, they literally don’t listen. Their logic’s are firmly implanted, and they type back about how despite you wanting to adopt, or do surrogacy that you are a murderer. These days I feel like everyone sits on their own sort of pedestal…and they are not willing to open their mind. To listen to someone, to truly want to understand what they are saying, to truly want to feel what they are feeling you not only have to open your ears, but every part of your mind that has the preconceived notion that they are wrong. Actually listening to people is a wonderful, and eye opening thing.

Basically, I think when it comes to raising awareness about a disease we are not only trying to give our disease a voice, but also fighting against a set mentality among most people. I’m not saying it’s one political group, or certain types, but literally everyone. I know (seriously, I fucking know) all of you get so mad about how much I post about abortion, and politics. But we have to understand that government decisions affect how patients live…or whether they don’t. Think about a woman with Pulmonary Hypertension living in a country where abortion is outlawed, and she were to become pregnant? How fair, and safe is that? Exactly. When we fight for awareness, we are not just trying to get into people’s ears, but their minds. We truly have to completely educate them. It’s exhausting, and it feels almost impossible.


I will continue to write a few articles this month on Pulmonary Hypertension. And I really hope that instead of just liking the post, that you are reading it, understanding it, and contemplating major things now. That’s what awareness has to do; it has to move mountains in people’s minds so that they are made aware, and help us fight. We have a lot to overcome. I guess I’m not trying to be negative; I’m just unloading some very heavy, and prevalent thoughts when it comes to November.

Song of the Week is Heart Shaped Box by Nirvana. Anyone else feel like screaming this?



My Beauty Must Haves.

Hello loves! Sorry I took such a long break. With sketchy internet, working, and concert hopping I was quite busy. For those of you who don’t know, last week I got to travel to Albuquerque to watch Toro y Moi tear the stage up. Being in the city gave me the inspiration I needed to start writing again, and also some new ideas which I will be working on to bring to you. It felt like such a breath of fresh air to be around malls, Asian restaurants, Urban Outfitters, and to see one of my favorite artists in the entire world. It sounds silly, but when you live miles upon miles away from anything the city really does get your heart excited. While I was there, a friend wanted me to do her makeup before the concert, and it was incredibly fun. She was so happy with how she looked that she wanted to take a million selfies, and that got me thinking to. About my passions, artistry, and things I might want to consider. After discussing many different products she can invest in, I thought I would just tell everyone else too. So, here are my absolute beauty must haves!

ORG Skin Care Mineral Face Peel

bblogAfter discovering this on Instagram, I absolutely had to invest in it. This is a very very delicate peel (when people say face peel, I tend to shy away) however this is just a spray. After applying it to your face, and waiting a couple of seconds you gently start massaging your face…and you feel all this dead skin start to ball up. Yea, it sounds gross until you rinse your face, and notice how incredibly soft your face is now. It just removed all the dead useless skin that makes us look a little dull after a while too! This really does create a natural, and healthy glow. I think this peel is an absolute must have for anyone, and especially if you want your skin to glow a little more. It is on the pricey side, so make this a splurge just for you to have. I use this peel maybe twice a week! I am definitely in love!

Marc Anthony Oil of Morocco

bblog2Originally I just bought this because hair oils were a new thing at the time, and it had Rocco’s name in it. Yea, I’m that cat lady. However, when I started using this oil It became a lifetime investment. If you’re anything like me you think at first, “Why do I need oil for my hair when it’s already really oily?” No no no honey, you need this type of oil. When you’re on day three hair (or beyond) and it hasn’t been washed, it has been curled, and straightened then you start to notice it gets this “frizz” look to it. You’re applying all this heat, and product so eventually your hair starts to reflect the damage being done until its next wash. Well, this oil is a life saver. Not only is the smell AMAZING, but you spritz it into your hand, applying it mainly to the ends of your hair and kind of up mid way, and BOOM it looks sleek and smells great. This oil really  helps de-frizz, as well as repair some of that damage! This is especially great for dry hair in the winter.

MAC Prep and Prime Natural Radiance


So let me open with that I in no way support MAC except for this product. MAC was just recently busted for not being cruel free. The pictures showing different animals dying from being abused by MAC were heart-breaking. This prep and prime however is the only primer I have found to work with my skin, and rosacea. It sucks. I have extreme redness, and oily skin and after trying so freakin’ many primers that were messing with my makeup I had about had it. Most people think that these silicone primers are the way to go. They have an “air brush effect” they make your skin feel incredibly soft, and when you put your make up on it really looks amazing…only to glance in the mirror a couple of hours later, and it looks as though your makeup is an oil zone, and it’s all slipping out-of-place. Sound accurate? It’s because silicone primers were invented for things like photo shoots where models needed to look amazing for maybe an hour. THEY ARE NOT LONG TERM PRIMERS. This stuff however feels more like a lotion, and combats the redness in my skin. It just feels great to apply it, and it holds my makeup the absolute best. I do not support MAC, but unfortunately I can’t find anything else that works quite as well. This continues to be a must have!

Mario Badescu Drying Lotion


I just recently invested in this product (a little sample box with some other items of his), so I’m going on a first impression here rather than long-term use. This is a spot treatment for acne about to pop up, and ruin the day. First off, you do not shake the bottle like most people want to. The alcohol and lotion stay separate. You stick a Q-Tip down into the bottle, touching the pink lotion then apply it to your problem area (not an area where the skin is already broken!) The smell is intense because of the alcohol. However, this really does quickly dry an area out. It doesn’t make it disappear, but it does make it less of an issue. Don’t use it day after day as it will dry out that skin. I think this is a step up if you really want a bad ass spot treatment instead of the little crappy lotions in tubes from Target.

Lime Crime Venus Palette


So this is my favorite makeup eye palette of all time. The colors are exactly what I wanted, they’re cohesive, highly pigmented so basically you get a lot of bang for your buck. I’ve been using this everyday since July…and does it look like it’s running out? Nope, because one tap with your brush and you get so much color!! Lime Crime itself had an actual crime spree last summer I think? Anyways, basically someone hacked their system, and stole a lot of money from the customers that had recently bought stuff, and basically fucked everyone over. Lime Crime also has a reputation for not handling things like they should. Supposedly they have their shit together now which I would hope so because every single one of their products are amazing, and professional. If you still don’t feel comfortable ordering from them, then try Urban Outfitters which carries many of Lime Crimes products, and is where I purchased my palette.

Lush – Let the Good Times Roll


If you have never heard of Lush, or invested in them before then you are truly missing out. Lush is so organic it’s insane, and on top of that they are CRUELTY FREEEEE!! Yay! They are incredibly famous for their very exotic and fun bath bombs which make you feel extra special, and their facial scrubs and masks are to die for. If you order from them they will always give you samples, which is actually how I discovered this product! The smell is absolutely intoxicating, and yummy. This is an exfoliate including cinnamon, and caramel which is why you probably think you could eat it to. This is great for your arms, as much as your face! It’s just a favorite product used as a pick me up for my skin, as well as my heart.

Native Touch – Warrior Bear Rub


Native Touch is a very small company which is why a lot of you are like, “What the hell is a native touch?” This company is an actual Native American skin company (which is extremely rare these days.) They preach on Native values, listen to Pow Wow music while making these products which are just awesome. It’s somewhat comparable to Lush as in its organic! Their soap boxes have seeds in them so when you’re done you can PLANT them, and grow a new plant at your house. LIKE WHAT. Their products include soaps, scrubs, and also these “rubs” that are really for skin healing purposes, and JUST WOW!! If you have maybe a rash, dry spot, cracked heels than Warrior Bear Rub is great. It has a very strong mint smell I guess, and it is going to last forever. Warrior Bear Rub also has a great reputation for healing tattoos! It is natural, doesn’t suck any ink out, and keeps it disinfected to heal it faster. Tattoo shops actually carry this product. I used this on one of my new tattoos in July, and yes it works. It healed it extremely fast. I think this is a must have especially with skin issues, or little ones always getting scraped up in your house. A true nature healing product.

Kenra Blow Dry Spray


Ohhhh this stuff. For years my hair dresser was using it on me, and it was one of those amazing things that I finally had to get for myself. The smell is AMAZING, but the price is not which is why I have the mini version! hahaha. This is not only a thermal protector, but it de-tangles wet hair, and dries it much faster. It also provides a sleek feeling when finished, and your hair is just incredibly soft. If you notice your hair is somewhat frizzy after being blow-dried then you really do need this. It’s an investment, and it doesn’t take much to make the miracle happen! You will have even the little one for a while. Simply spritz it onto damp hair, blow dry, then BAM!! Beautiful sleek hair.

Anastasia Contour Kit


So, I have a lot to say about this as well as other products. Try not to get lost in translation! My first ever Contour kit was the Kat Von D Shade Light kit, and I love that one as well. This one provides more of a natural contour, and I actually use the Kat Von D after applying this color to go in and intensify my contour. I use both kits to get by! Not only do I love the Anastasia contour kit, but I live off of the Anastasia Eyebrow Wiz which I have no idea why I didn’t mention it. It’s literally the only thing that I can get to do an exact drawing to my eyebrows, the color matches, and it stays all day. It’s very easy to use (as most of you might know that half of my eyebrows are fake and drawn on hahahaha) and the product is amazing. Be on the look out for Anastasia if you need an eyebrow fix, or contour fix!

Lime Crime Velveteen’s


Again, Lime Crime wins. If you are looking for a MATTE lipstick that lasts all day then this stuff is for you. The color is extremely rich, is easy to apply (you apply it like a lip gloss) then it dries completely matte, and smudge proof. They have soooo many colors too!

Kat Von D Tattoo Liner


This is my absolute must have. As everyone knows I am not complete without my winged eyeliner. There are so many horrible eye liners out there that are not pigmented, permanent, and they can irritate your eyes. My eyes are extremely sensitive! They water all the time, and usually my eye make up leaks off by the end of the day. With this Tattoo Liner, it goes on easily, it’s actually deep black, waterproof, and doesn’t irritate my eyes. I will never go back to a cheap eye liner again!

Smith’s Minted Rose Lip Balm


This is a must have for dry lips! Most lip formula’s dry your lips on purpose that way you keep buying more. EOS did this for me, and it’s hard to find lip balms that last, smell good, and actually help your lips pretty fast. This stuff smells amazing, and works fast. I love the tin version, as well as the tube version. Laura Prepon (Alex from Orange Is the New Black) preaches on using this stuff as well!

Loreal Infallible Pro Matte


If you are looking for a drug store foundation for oily skin that will keep you matte, and actually has great coverage for a good price, then this is it! This works better than my Makeup Forever Pro Matte sometimes! It has great coverage, and only requires setting powder throughout the day to keep it matte, but this is really a fabulous drug store foundation.

Well that is all for today loves! I hope this helps you discover new products to try, or if you were looking for a specific miracle product for a problem I hope this helps as well with that. :) Have a Happy Halloween! Song of the week is Bewitched!!



My Tip Jar.

As many of you know, I’ve been blogging for years now. This was just something on the side that I didn’t even know I was going to be able to pull off. I honestly wasn’t sure how long I could talk about PH, world topics, or that anyone would even be reading. However, a little glimpse of hope stayed in the back of my mind that maybe one day this might be my side income while I pursue other dreams.


I am still beyond astonished at the lovely people who comment to help me out, inspire me, or thank me. It blows my mind every time even though I might not always reply. Anyways, since February of this year, I had been researching how to make money off of blogs only to find out that I had the completely wrong “WordPress” program. Basically, I don’t even own my own blog therefore I can’t really make money off of all of this hard work. I would have to buy a website, pay really expensive fee’s (like close to three hundred almost to start up with different programs) have things installed, and then just maybe make a few extra bucks through a lot of dumb advertisements popping up everywhere…which is another problem for me. I hate websites littered with ads, and that block the enjoyment of reading through an article interruption free.

So, after about a month of thinking about this I finally did it. Yes, I created a “gofundme” page. I know I know, I’m not in need of a transplant (hopefully never), or going through something horrible. This is simply a “tip jar” for my blog, or you know the guys who play guitar on the side of the street with the case out? I guess this is kind of like that. I live in a very remote location y’all that yes, I did choose. It’s a very difficult, but small town life. I have to drive over an hour to get to the nearest hospital, college, Walmart, or McDonald’s. You can’t even get wifi here (because a lot of companies don’t want to cover out this far) so I trek down across town to the library to keep y’all updated. Yes, I want to go to school to get my bachelors in education, possibly history, then maybe even writing. The fact that y’all are kind enough to even donate a dollar seriously says so much, and it really does help. I’m not asking y’all to pay my bills, it’s just nice to be recognized for all the hard work I put on my blog. You can seriously ignore this, especially if you’re offended, then I’m sorry.

If you enjoy reading the blog, and want to donate then thank you so much. Also, there is a little comment section on the “gofundme” page where you could even say what post you liked, and what not. I know this is a bit ridiculous sounding, but it’s with the best intentions. Rocco and I appreciate all the readers, and support. :)

If you want to donate, then click here!




Forty-five years ago today Janis Joplin was found dead in her hotel room in Los Angeles at the age of twenty-seven. Many people remember the lethal drugs that tragically ended her life instead of what contributed to the drugs in the first place.

NEW YORK - MARCH 16:  Blues singer Janis Joplin and  the Kozmic Blues Band perform on the Ed Sullivan Show on March 16, 1969 in New York City, New York. (Photo by David Gahr/Getty Images)

NEW YORK – MARCH 16: Blues singer Janis Joplin and the Kozmic Blues Band perform on the Ed Sullivan Show on March 16, 1969 in New York City, New York. (Photo by David Gahr/Getty Images)

Janis Lyn Joplin was a Texas girl just like me. She was born into a period where freshly trimmed lawns, party dresses, and upholding the perfect image were all too important. From an early age Janis actually tried to fit in well as her family had wanted her to. Plagued with a boy-ish figure, not the ideal face, and severe acne she was discriminated against, pushed aside and bullied. Naturally Janis’s response to this was to rebel which introduced her to a whole new side of herself she had never  seen. Crossing the state border to go watch “Blues Bands” and to drink became a frequent thing to do with her “out cast” friends, and from there on she began to sing Blue-grass herself. When Janis decided to move to Austin, Texas for college, she met a new group of friends where she began to sing with actual bands. She felt as though she finally fit in only months later to be nominated the “Ugliest Man on Campus” which naturally crushed her. Once again, she was laughed out of the state of Texas, and left for California. Janis of course then met Big Brother and the Holding Company through friends, and her career changed after her stunning performance at Monterey. Finally, the world saw this woman as who she actually was instead of a clashing outward appearance with society’s standards. Still though, the attacks against Janis didn’t stop. Despite her powerful lungs, she was rejected among so many.

Janis Joplin, Hotel Chelsea, March 1969, #4

Janis Joplin, Hotel Chelsea, March 1969, #4

This is the part about Janis that is so disappointing, but that I love. Women in these days were expected to be a certain way. A career woman, married, children, a manicured outfit, and to sit down and let the men speak. Janis wore crushed velvet pants, sparkly shirts, feathers in her hair, bracelets stacked on each arm, she spoke her mind, and was proud of it. When asked why she didn’t sound like other female singers at the time on the Dick Cavett show, she said “I don’t know why. I always wondered because it seemed so natural to me, but um, I don’t know it’s not feminine maybe that’s why. To really get down, and really get into music, to get on the bottom side of the music instead of float around on the top like most chick singers do. I think they float around on the top of the melody instead of getting into the feeling of the music. I don’t know.”

Janis was the first of her time to display such an outrageous feminine outcry. Not because she wanted to, but because that’s who she was. She wanted to get down with the boys because she loved it, and she wanted more. She didn’t care about the makeup, hair, and candy-shop beach wave love songs. She wanted the audience’s hair to raise at her screaming onstage. People loved her, people rejected her, and ridiculed her publicly. She never knew where she sat; if she was good or bad in people’s eyes contributing to her many many emotional and self hate problems. Janis truly just wanted to be accepted, and loved. Janis is so special to me because she presented a new idea of a woman. A woman who could get onstage with men, and belt the blues; a woman who didn’t have to be in the home. She presented this idea that you could do what you love, and feel like doing despite what society is screaming at you. In return, society ridiculed her saying that she was out of control, and crazed. Except, she was still was a woman with heart, and values saying on the Dick Cavett show that she eventually wanted to “learn how to bake organic bread, and have babies.” Janis was progressive for her time, ahead of it, and I truly believe that is what killed her.


In society when it comes to being progressive, or presenting new ideas, we haven’t changed much from Janis’s time period. You are called a “dumb liberal”, or a “bitch that needs to be put in her place.” We are still trying to contain this image of women, dumbing them down, and refusing them rights. When we feel something that is so new for this economy, in return we are ridiculed, and we are hated. We are taught to think we are not worth loving, and we should hate ourselves too. It teaches you to be overly self-aware, and it drives people to do things for escape. Alcohol, drugs, whatever you can get your hands on. We are taught to be unworthy, as Janis was. She depended on a regular supply of Southern Comfort, heroin, or speed because humans had wronged her. At least these things accepted her, and gave her an overwhelming feeling of comfort (or high) regularly.


People knew she was different, and that she was making a mark. To some she was a taboo topic, a typical drugged out singer, and surely within enough time she could disappear so everyone could go back to normal. They were right. While recording her new album “Pearl”, Janis found herself alone in her hotel room. She hated being alone because alone gives you time to think, possibly to think about how alone internally you feel. To take the edge off, her dealer stopped by with a new batch of heroine. After recording that whole day, she went back to her again empty hotel room where night had fallen. Thats where she then prepared her needle, and injected heroin that had a purity of forty to fifty percent…when the average is around three percent. Immediately, the drug knocked her to the ground where she fell between her bed and bedside table, where this final fix of heroin finally stopped her heart.

Today I am sad because someone who is so fun to listen to whether it’s her songs, or her just talking about ordinary things accidentally killed herself. The world lost someone who was a game changer for Rock and Roll, and for women. I am sad because she was taught that she was not worth of love here, and had to find comfort in such awful, and dangerous things. What a different world it could be if we learned to accept others instead of all the name-calling and shaming. The public was right – she did disappear physically, but Janis never ever went away. Her voice is still pounding through stereos’ and her face is now on the United States forever stamps. I wish she were alive to now see how loved she actually was.



Black Cat Awareness Month.

Happy Black Cat Awareness Month loves!


I’m so excited that this month I get to show off (even more than normal) my lovely little Rocco. A lot of people shrug this month off, and say how pointless it is to be “aware”of black cats. We are not necessarily raising awareness about the cats themselves, but the stigma attached to them.

I remember being around eight years old when we had our first two black cats (one we still have today), and when October rolled around my Mom would swat them out of the windows telling me also to not let them sit in the windows this month. We made sure the house was locked up, and that they stayed out of sight. I thought it was weird because it was Halloween, and they were perfect decor! When she explained to me that people want to “attack black cats” around Halloween I was shocked. What shocks me even more is that in 2015 this is still going on.


In most recent years, I’ve only met one person who hated my Rocco. That person was extremely tacky, but would love to slam her bible in your face. Anyways, Rocco Ricardo, and Fantasia were probably the best cats I’ve had. Extremely protective, concerned, the cutest personalities, and beautiful. They are no different from any other cat you would meet, except for the pitch black coats. These little black beauties are least likely to be adopted, and most to be persecuted. Shelters are now watchful for people who attempt to adopt them around Halloween due to people choosing to take them home to only have fun at torching them. There is a special place in hell for those.


I can’t imagine anyone coming after Rocco, and if they did I would have no problem putting a gun in their face. Yes, I said it. Rocco’s life is more innocent, and less harming than an abusive human. Please share the awareness of how these beauties need love just like any other animal no matter what time of year it is!! They are not spooky, but spectacular. :) Here are some fabulous “black cat” items I’ve discovered to help your Halloween become more cute.

Bath and Body Works


They always have a lovely selection of cute cat items this time of year! If you don’t snag them fast, they sell out fast like the Pocket Bac black cat holder. If you love having your car smell awesome, here is this little guy to make it look that much better. Yes, I have one.

ilikeCATSshop via Etsy


This shop is adorable, and I’m so glad I stumbled across it! They are perfect for not just black cat lovers, but any cat! They have a lovely selection of prints, buttons, cards and more. With the size of these cats, they look just like my Rocco.

Cat to the Chase Bag via Modcloth


So I’ve pretty much been dying to have this bag. A perfect little way to sport your black cat vibes on the go, and it has great reviews! Modcloth is full of a cat lovers dream items! If you search black cat you will be simply overwhelmed.

-haley and rocco.


As a Woman, I have Failed.

Something has been bugging me for a couple of weeks now. Not only do the attacks against women just add to everything, but now just something extra makes things worse. Recently when someone said, “I don’t know if I could commit to someone who might be dead before they are fifty” the words didn’t settle in till later. Now they are sinking deep into my thoughts, and I just can’t deal with it.

Growing up as a girl, we are taught to be a certain way from the beginning. We are taught to aspire for marriages, pretty dresses, and prince charming (Watch Disney for references.) We really do expect fairy tales because what girls watch grind that idea into our brains. We have dress up wedding dresses, baby dolls, and while all of this is very natural at the same time we need to make sure that with these little fairy tales we are teaching the right messages. Right now we are teaching young girls to put all their hopes in relationships, marriages, and men. That success is defined by the man that we “obtain”, the beautiful middle of the woods engagement photos we take,  the number of children we give birth to, the every month photography that is done of them, and the chevron decorated house we up keep. Success is not the achievement of attempting to be something like a Paramedic, speaking for what is right, doing something for you, or waiting to progress through things in life.

As a woman, daily, I have failed. As the gender I had no choice in, I have failed at the expectations set out for me that I do not choose either. I have to constantly defend my “singleness” at only twenty-three. In my early twenties that seems to be the ice breaker. “Are you seeing anyone? Are you dating? Is there anyone serious?” Why is this the major question to ask me? I have failed because I’m not married. I have failed because I find comfort in my cat more than I do men. I have failed because my weekends are filled with Netflix, and writing instead of drinking and dates.

As a woman, I have failed. I have failed because I cannot have children. I physically cannot carry the children that I CAN in fact get pregnant with. As a woman, who needs the freedom to be able to choose abortion in the future to possibly save my life, I am told I am a murderer, liberal dumbass, slut, whore, baby killer and so on. Because knowing I can’t have my own children doesn’t hurt enough, your “pro-life” words help so much.

As I woman, I have failed. My lungs and heart are trying to kill me. My dad and I shell out a ridiculous amount of money for medication that barely keeps me going, and destroys other parts of my body. We spend thousands of dollars on gas money to get me to expensive doctor appointments every couple of months. I have failed because I am a sick person with a hefty price tag attached that no one wants to pick up. Meanwhile, people simply ignore it, and say “life isn’t fair.” Those hurtful and empty words just don’t cut it anymore.

I don’t mind being different from main stream people; I like that my apartment has no chevron in it, and I love falling asleep at night not worrying about my “relationship.” I’m fine with it, until I am reminded daily by outsiders how being different in two thousand fifteen is still not accepted, and how in a way the “expectations” of women’s roles have not changed. I am disappointed in others views, and in turn I end up disappointed in myself. Why should I be taught to hate myself because I am not the every day woman?

People are going to call me lots of things, and it all matters on what I answer to. I get that. But how others make you feel daily is a completely different story.



The Mystery of the 27 Club.

The first time I ever heard a cryptic organ pound the first parts to “Light my Fire”, I was hooked. Only nine years old, I danced in the hallway outside my brother’s room like a fool; whoever this was I was already in love with them. Jim Morrison was captivating from day one. His face stared back at mine from the poster hung on my brothers closet door, and I wondered exactly who this curly-haired “crazy” was who my brother taught me to love.


Time spent alone with John (the brother) was like its own little educational hour in itself. I was consistently taught on movies, and most importantly music. Who was who (besides the actual Who) different sounds, era’s, and how to recognize them. We of course spent plenty of time in his Vista Cruiser, driving up to the local CD spot, and adding onto his CD collection. Then, he invested in the starting pieces in my collection. My first rock CD’s were The Who, Ted Nugent, Heart, and of course, The Doors. I was probably the only kid walking around in middle school, day dreaming of what my time would’ve been like with Jim Morrison while other kids were listening to…God I don’t even know what was popular in that time. Moving on, of course my brother quickly schemed over in explaining the Lucky 27’s. Since then, I never really forgot it, but there have been a few people we have added to it.

What in the hell am I talking about? If you’ve never heard of the lucky 27 club, it’s all these musicians that just happened to die at, well, twenty-seven. Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Kobain, and Amy Winehouse among others. While they were still here, and even after they left, The 27 Club have been paralyzing to the mind. We can’t help but stare; at the clothing? Sure. At the outrageous lifestyle? Sure. But the words, the music, and the thoughts they left behind? We cant help but be mesmerized.


A lot of people love to sum up these people’s lives as drug infused all night insanity poetry sessions. Those people have no depth I can tell you that right now. We need to be willing to push past “summing” people up, and exterior stereotypes. I can’t deny that these people didn’t have probably a steady stream of some sort of high-powered drug running through their veins, but lets look deeper than the usage into why the usage.

From my many years of studying Jim Morrison, anyone you talked to has always said that he was just a lot to “handle.” He was so smart, so progressive, and so ahead that he was almost unobtainable. At a young age he had possessed such an older view on things rather than how he had been raised to think. He was ahead of a time period where The Beach Boys, short hair, and Suzy Q dresses were the only thing acceptable. Jim Morrison refused to be “acceptable”, and lived sometimes a very lonely life doing so. Janis Joplin was much the same; she saw what was around her and refused to settle into it. She couldn’t help but act as her true self wanted to, and was laughed out of the state of Texas for just that. To watch interviews with both her and Jim are captivating. The wisdom that they spill only in their early 20’s, the point of views they bring to the table are mind-blowing. “They were just on drugs” doesn’t cut it anymore. Drugs tire out eventually, but the truth doesn’t. Why are we still spinning their records? Wearing T-shirts with their faces? Buying books on their life, or poetry they wrote?


To me, every person has a spark. You have to have a certain kind of spark to stay alive in this world, one that other people recognize. Sometimes your spark fuels you through college, and lands you an awesome job. Sometimes your spark helps you connect with other people. Sometimes people dull their spark to settle for more attainable lives, which is what a lot of people are doing these days. People like Jim, Janis, Jimi, Amy, and others…even people like Michael Jackson…I don’t think were born with a spark. They were born with a bonfire inside of their soul. They were so big, and felt so much that they had to do. It’s like everyone see’s life normally, and these people see life through a panoramic view. They are bigger than themselves, they are legends, and because of that it’s almost destructive. Everyone worshiped them, wanted to  be them, and they wanted to escape themselves. They saw, and felt so much that they relayed it through songs, music notes, poetry, sex, and they wanted an escape from feeling so much so often. Maybe drugs helped numb the overall feeling of too much feeling to begin with. Maybe drugs helped close some doors of perception, and pain; Pain that they experienced much too young, pain that caused scaring, and an unknown pain that helped fuel this so-called bonfire.


We have to understand that there was really nothing they kept to themselves. They put their entire lives in the open for people to see, mainly because they had no choice. Those who saw this raging fire, and new movement took to them like moths to a flame. Others sat and ridiculed them wanting to burn them alive. They were beyond themselves now; they were iconic, legends, and life artists.

Everyone will look to drugs as these people’s main killer. Personally, the world killed them, and their bonfire that they were born with burned them from the inside. They did everything they could to share these flames of amazement with everyone, and we were captivated, but eventually their soul gave out. Janis Joplin died because she was alone. She couldn’t stand to be alone because despite her beautiful laugh she hated herself. So, she injected super strength heroine that knocked her to the ground in seconds. Jim Morrison decided after a sleepless night to take a bath, maybe to relieve his mind that was constantly raging where his lifeless body was found later.


I truly believed they not only killed themselves, but the world helped. We hated them, smothered them, banned them, made them idols while they attempted to remain true to themselves. Watching Janis Joplin answer questions, she tells not one lie. She’s authentic, and full of love. Listening to her sing, I hear nothing but pain. Reading Jim’s poetry is breath-taking. I may not understand all of it because I will never see, or understand things as he did. I don’t think there is exactly a big mystery about the Lucky 27 club. They themselves were a super strength drug that the world, and not even themselves could handle. They burnt up from the inside out, and life was merely too small for their spirits.

Song of the Week is Curses Invocations by Jim Morrison.